There's a same cantus that keeps ringing in my head
It initially was a rhythm to comfort an anxious and desperate heart.
The second person who sang this rhythm had her heart broken for knowing what it stands for.
The last man who sang this rhythm perceives it has nothing more than a shame and nightmare that haunts him, reminding him of his failure and pain.
... This same rhythm reminds me of that great snowy day, when there's nothing but a gray sky above me and dead trees surrounding me.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Resolve to victory
〈群眾〉:（名字)！（名字)！（名字)！...
〈主角〉:（名字)無所畏懼！
〈群眾〉:（名字)無所畏懼！
〈群眾〉:（名字)不會放棄！
〈群眾〉:（名字)不會逃避！
〈群眾〉:（名字)不會失敗！
〈群眾〉:（名字)！（名字)！（名字)！...
〈主角〉:（名字)無所畏懼！
〈群眾〉:（名字)無所畏懼！
〈群眾〉:（名字)不會放棄！
〈群眾〉:（名字)不會逃避！
〈群眾〉:（名字)不會失敗！
〈群眾〉:（名字)！（名字)！（名字)！...
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Dear Diary #20
Dear Diary,
It's definitely a weird day today.
But I don't mind having a day like this everyday! (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)
/whistle /dance
In short, I think I can die peacefully tonight with no regret *_*
I hope tomorrow will be the same, and so is the day after tomorrow.
It's definitely a weird day today.
But I don't mind having a day like this everyday! (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)
/whistle /dance
In short, I think I can die peacefully tonight with no regret *_*
I hope tomorrow will be the same, and so is the day after tomorrow.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A pain in heart
Seeing her but not able to talk with her.
Perhaps it was better for me to not had a crush on her in the very first place, at least I would be able to chat and laugh with her freely, but what's the point then? All the time I could only watch and prepare.
She will not understand me in silence, nothing will reach an understanding in silence...
Perhaps it was better for me to not had a crush on her in the very first place, at least I would be able to chat and laugh with her freely, but what's the point then? All the time I could only watch and prepare.
She will not understand me in silence, nothing will reach an understanding in silence...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Dear Diary #19
Dear Diary,
It sux when your brain couldn't load something propre to say when you are supposed to say smoething.
I should learn to stop hiding thoughts in heart, argh
It sux when your brain couldn't load something propre to say when you are supposed to say smoething.
I should learn to stop hiding thoughts in heart, argh
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Dear Diary #18 (dream)
Dear Diary,
I've had a very weird dream this morning
'death is redemption'
in my dream, i almost killed 2 people... in fact, 4, because of such belief. And I was originally on my way to kill somebody, so I almost killed 5 people in the process.
It's a good thing that I did not kill anyone before I woke up I believe. For what I did was no just but results only based on a distorted desire to help.
*sigh* Four lives... if the first and secon target I so determinded to give them peace were not special, I wonder would I lay down my strikes without hesitation.
I've had a very weird dream this morning
'death is redemption'
in my dream, i almost killed 2 people... in fact, 4, because of such belief. And I was originally on my way to kill somebody, so I almost killed 5 people in the process.
It's a good thing that I did not kill anyone before I woke up I believe. For what I did was no just but results only based on a distorted desire to help.
*sigh* Four lives... if the first and secon target I so determinded to give them peace were not special, I wonder would I lay down my strikes without hesitation.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
1 extra activity when I am free from work
I am going to find a backyard, and then I will practice knife/shuriken throwing.
Dear Diary #17 (anxiety)
Dear Diary,
I am feeling so anxious (extremely) at the moment
Not only because I still have work undone and the due time draws closer and closer
but something more
Tonight it's gonna be pubnight for the debating club and some other asian clubs from the university...
She's going, but I'm not.
Blast, I still haven't had my things done yet.
Blast, I don't drink.
Blast, I am not earning my own money yet~
... ok these are all excuses, seriously, if i was more prepared, I would go even if i have got nothign to do there. Dangerous place, now I hope she will know how to take care of herself well... of course she does! ...But you can never tell....
In that case, I hope the others friends will take care of her as well! What if she's drunk? Somebody has to take care of her!
gawd damnit
Argh, I would go to there and just sit if I get to make sure that she'll be alright. O dear.... hmmmm
*roll in bed*
I hate you, assignment.
.... there are dangers that even the mightiest weapon cannot solve.
Nor would peace talk work! So I am useless, DARN!
Should I pray now? I wonder...
well, perhaps that won't be necessary either, for I know the other guys are gonna take care of her well...
Perhaps what I am mad at is actually the fact that I am not the one watching over her -_- brrrrrr
Hope she will have a happy and fine night, that's all.
So my honest feeling? You ask me... hm...
Well, something like 'I hope the sky would rain swords and pierce any male getting close to her when she pubs'
How selfish, how bloody~ shame on you, shame on you~
Argh, I a giving myself a headache and a heartache.
I am feeling so anxious (extremely) at the moment
Not only because I still have work undone and the due time draws closer and closer
but something more
Tonight it's gonna be pubnight for the debating club and some other asian clubs from the university...
She's going, but I'm not.
Blast, I still haven't had my things done yet.
Blast, I don't drink.
Blast, I am not earning my own money yet~
... ok these are all excuses, seriously, if i was more prepared, I would go even if i have got nothign to do there. Dangerous place, now I hope she will know how to take care of herself well... of course she does! ...But you can never tell....
In that case, I hope the others friends will take care of her as well! What if she's drunk? Somebody has to take care of her!
gawd damnit
Argh, I would go to there and just sit if I get to make sure that she'll be alright. O dear.... hmmmm
*roll in bed*
I hate you, assignment.
.... there are dangers that even the mightiest weapon cannot solve.
Nor would peace talk work! So I am useless, DARN!
Should I pray now? I wonder...
well, perhaps that won't be necessary either, for I know the other guys are gonna take care of her well...
Perhaps what I am mad at is actually the fact that I am not the one watching over her -_- brrrrrr
Hope she will have a happy and fine night, that's all.
So my honest feeling? You ask me... hm...
Well, something like 'I hope the sky would rain swords and pierce any male getting close to her when she pubs'
How selfish, how bloody~ shame on you, shame on you~
Argh, I a giving myself a headache and a heartache.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Dear Diary #16 (Mask)
Dear Diary
I went to watch mock debate today
Can't say my mood was nice all along.
In fact, bad.
First not to mention there were bunch of people I was not very willing to meet.
And a lot of new people who I don't have any idea who they are, though not very interested in either.
I didn't chat much with my friends, for there were no time and I prefer 1 on 1 talk more, not really into crowd chat. Loner habit
Last but not least, also the main cause of my dark cloud: the 'only' person of interest was there, but I couldn't bear to stay close to her, for I know I will only feel the distance/gap between us. No way to feel cheerful upon knowing that at first sight. (really, i want to get close to her and just chat, I envy another person i know very much for he can do that easily, but we are different... and the same thing we do will surely have different meanings, that i do not doubt for now).
The debate was a mess, but good experience to the neophytes i believe, I wonder how many of them will become mature debater after this semester.
I escaped when the debate was over. For I decided to stop clinging to hope that things would go any better.
My moody feeling left me in thoughts again.
"What am I?"
No, not am I a human or not already, that I already have an answer. Now it is the second problem that I have to face: persnalities
I know what my core is, that I already explained in my previous records, but since my core is only for myself, but not for the others, I wear masks to cover myself up in different occasions.
Masks - that confuses even myself as well.
Usually I wear the mask of a boring person, who speaks nothing, with tired and unfriendly eyes, a face with no emotion, almost angry - perceived by some. The kind of mask that says 'Don't talk to me' or 'I am not up for sh_t' loud by mere staring.
And I try to act and behave accordingly to my 'boring mask' by speaking blunt and showing little restrain of temper to idiotism.
But the mask breaks easily when others start to interact with me, I begin to laugh, and I will say silly jokes or behave foolishly just to arouse more laughters and cheer people up.
But at the same time I feel tiring. I am not sure how should I explain my feelings: I want to be remain quiet, but when I am with others, I can't help but keep thinking ideas to cheer them up, because I fear I would bored them.
Sometimes I am not sure is that me or not when I laugh, or when I behave foolishly, like a clown to act for the laughters of the audience. I willingly do that I think, coz i do that automatically, without feeling bad.
So... what am I? Why are my characters so extreme to each others? Black and white... but not grey. It feels weird when u can't blend your character together.
I also think that may be the way I developed to protect myself from harm, but my heart... it's not as indemanding as the mask may look. I know another part of me want care and interaction with other people too, but I am reluctant to do that on the other hand.
Ah, my heart's desired one, what would you think if you were me?
I went to watch mock debate today
Can't say my mood was nice all along.
In fact, bad.
First not to mention there were bunch of people I was not very willing to meet.
And a lot of new people who I don't have any idea who they are, though not very interested in either.
I didn't chat much with my friends, for there were no time and I prefer 1 on 1 talk more, not really into crowd chat. Loner habit
Last but not least, also the main cause of my dark cloud: the 'only' person of interest was there, but I couldn't bear to stay close to her, for I know I will only feel the distance/gap between us. No way to feel cheerful upon knowing that at first sight. (really, i want to get close to her and just chat, I envy another person i know very much for he can do that easily, but we are different... and the same thing we do will surely have different meanings, that i do not doubt for now).
The debate was a mess, but good experience to the neophytes i believe, I wonder how many of them will become mature debater after this semester.
I escaped when the debate was over. For I decided to stop clinging to hope that things would go any better.
My moody feeling left me in thoughts again.
"What am I?"
No, not am I a human or not already, that I already have an answer. Now it is the second problem that I have to face: persnalities
I know what my core is, that I already explained in my previous records, but since my core is only for myself, but not for the others, I wear masks to cover myself up in different occasions.
Masks - that confuses even myself as well.
Usually I wear the mask of a boring person, who speaks nothing, with tired and unfriendly eyes, a face with no emotion, almost angry - perceived by some. The kind of mask that says 'Don't talk to me' or 'I am not up for sh_t' loud by mere staring.
And I try to act and behave accordingly to my 'boring mask' by speaking blunt and showing little restrain of temper to idiotism.
But the mask breaks easily when others start to interact with me, I begin to laugh, and I will say silly jokes or behave foolishly just to arouse more laughters and cheer people up.
But at the same time I feel tiring. I am not sure how should I explain my feelings: I want to be remain quiet, but when I am with others, I can't help but keep thinking ideas to cheer them up, because I fear I would bored them.
Sometimes I am not sure is that me or not when I laugh, or when I behave foolishly, like a clown to act for the laughters of the audience. I willingly do that I think, coz i do that automatically, without feeling bad.
So... what am I? Why are my characters so extreme to each others? Black and white... but not grey. It feels weird when u can't blend your character together.
I also think that may be the way I developed to protect myself from harm, but my heart... it's not as indemanding as the mask may look. I know another part of me want care and interaction with other people too, but I am reluctant to do that on the other hand.
Ah, my heart's desired one, what would you think if you were me?
Friday, March 5, 2010
Why do I like 'collecting' stories
Collecting as in, reading, experiencing, witnessing, hearing, etc.
To me, they are interested, some are just beautiful, and some of them even touch me.
I only have one life, so to experience and feel more, I experience the 'life' of the others.
Other than just for this purpose, I also like collecting stories for the sake of learning. The each experience I learn or I feel in the story, will somewhat, I trust, affect my life in the future.
Also a good chance for reflection.
When I read a story now, my attitude is different from before. I criticize less, but feeling more of compassionate and understanding now. A lot of remorse inside me when I read a sad event, or a pity that I somewhat missed in my life.
I am a libarian of stories, humans' experiences. I keep the laughters, the sorrow, the tears of joy or of sadness, the heroism, all in my mind. When the time is proper, I share the stories with those who are interested in listening.
This time I 'watch' from a fiction-game: Heavy Rain
Part I:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hMDHbr-300&feature=SeriesPlayList&p=B28B28FF84CAD4C5
Feel the love and sorrow
To me, they are interested, some are just beautiful, and some of them even touch me.
I only have one life, so to experience and feel more, I experience the 'life' of the others.
Other than just for this purpose, I also like collecting stories for the sake of learning. The each experience I learn or I feel in the story, will somewhat, I trust, affect my life in the future.
Also a good chance for reflection.
When I read a story now, my attitude is different from before. I criticize less, but feeling more of compassionate and understanding now. A lot of remorse inside me when I read a sad event, or a pity that I somewhat missed in my life.
I am a libarian of stories, humans' experiences. I keep the laughters, the sorrow, the tears of joy or of sadness, the heroism, all in my mind. When the time is proper, I share the stories with those who are interested in listening.
This time I 'watch' from a fiction-game: Heavy Rain
Part I:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hMDHbr-300&feature=SeriesPlayList&p=B28B28FF84CAD4C5
Feel the love and sorrow
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Dear Diary #15 (SMS)
Dear Diary,
So in times when I had no idea I did something like that, I got myself a female lover named Shely from Montreal.
"Relem back bebe. Je t?aime beaucoup mon amour."
(Come back baby. I love you so much my love.)
Under some assist from a friend of mine, we started chatting, and soon, we became pen friend for.... a few hours, until 1:30pm
When I thought she had finally lost interest in me, she sent me another sms on 7 something.
"Appellez moi c?es urgent."
(Call me this is urgent.)
I would love to, but I cannot speak French. Plus, sending SMS over to montreal is too expensive. Therefore, for the last time, I told her I am 'Chris' from toronto, not anybody she wanted to talk to.... (Lady, you've got the wrong number!)
I predict I won't be receiving her sms again tomorrow.
Such a short encounter of fate.
Why did I bother to reply her from the first place? That's because.... well, I just can't leave anyone who says she loves me alone like that, nod* Plus she sounded so desperate... (<- For the first bloody time in my life, except my mum and my aunts)
And if she's someone rich in Montreal, she might treat us a trip to Montreal XD
But then, just to destroy my bubble of optimism, my friend pointed out that 'Shely' might be actually working for my phone company and all the long distance SMS I made today is but a trick to cheat me money...
I hate this world
So in times when I had no idea I did something like that, I got myself a female lover named Shely from Montreal.
"Relem back bebe. Je t?aime beaucoup mon amour."
(Come back baby. I love you so much my love.)
Under some assist from a friend of mine, we started chatting, and soon, we became pen friend for.... a few hours, until 1:30pm
When I thought she had finally lost interest in me, she sent me another sms on 7 something.
"Appellez moi c?es urgent."
(Call me this is urgent.)
I would love to, but I cannot speak French. Plus, sending SMS over to montreal is too expensive. Therefore, for the last time, I told her I am 'Chris' from toronto, not anybody she wanted to talk to.... (Lady, you've got the wrong number!)
I predict I won't be receiving her sms again tomorrow.
Such a short encounter of fate.
Why did I bother to reply her from the first place? That's because.... well, I just can't leave anyone who says she loves me alone like that, nod* Plus she sounded so desperate... (<- For the first bloody time in my life, except my mum and my aunts)
And if she's someone rich in Montreal, she might treat us a trip to Montreal XD
But then, just to destroy my bubble of optimism, my friend pointed out that 'Shely' might be actually working for my phone company and all the long distance SMS I made today is but a trick to cheat me money...
I hate this world
Plan for this summer
It's time to set a plan, just to plan things up to cheer myself before i have to go through all the sh_t before summer
1. Find a job then work at least 35 hours to buy a (acoustic) GUITAR!
2. Look for informatino and apply for a french learning course
3. 3 days of school a week
4. A stray-day with friend before May
An interest is something costly to sustain, but well, that's life. Go me!
1. Find a job then work at least 35 hours to buy a (acoustic) GUITAR!
2. Look for informatino and apply for a french learning course
3. 3 days of school a week
4. A stray-day with friend before May
An interest is something costly to sustain, but well, that's life. Go me!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
What is free-will?
Firstly, freedom, a will cannot be free without freedom. If it is conditioned by anything, it is not free but merely a ‘reasonable reaction’. Beasts can perform reasonable reaction too.
Second, free-will is different to everyone. So the way we think should also be different, guided not by our beastly instincts but our personal preferences, our opinions, our style etc. If everyone thinks the same, as a group instead of individuals, it is a collective mind. Still, there can be free-will in a collective mind, if it is guided by freedom of choice instead of instinct, such as hunger.
Be wise to pick your role; are you a tool? A beast? Or a human?
Second, free-will is different to everyone. So the way we think should also be different, guided not by our beastly instincts but our personal preferences, our opinions, our style etc. If everyone thinks the same, as a group instead of individuals, it is a collective mind. Still, there can be free-will in a collective mind, if it is guided by freedom of choice instead of instinct, such as hunger.
Be wise to pick your role; are you a tool? A beast? Or a human?
Life of mankind
What is the life of a human supposed to be?
I don’t think it is a way of life to follow our instinct;
Not a life to pursue pleasure
Not a life to satisfy instinct
That’s the life of a beast, not the life of a being with sense
Sentient beings as us, with a will that other species do not possess, should have a missions that is just greater than beast; for they don’t have a sense of self and they serve only as a part of nature, we (humans) have the ability to break nature, because of this will we have.
Without that, I don’t live a life of a human. I live only the life of a beast, or a tool.
Maybe I should respect the right of the others to live a different ‘life of man’ themselves –
Human have dreams, we can live for our dreams. But that is not enough if our dream is only to satisfy our nature
But we must not live with no purpose, for that is a waste of our will, free-will. Following only our instinct degrades us to the rank of beast, mindless, or single-minded.
I lack an ultimate purpose in life which demonstrates my free-will. That’s why I don’t feel human, but a machine, programmed to live like an animal, or tool.
To me, the purpose of a human life is to demonstrate our free will, for that is what makes us special, something that is unconditioned and unprogrammed, with variety.
No wonder why some would choose death, it is an ultimate form of free-will demonstration, against our nature to survive and for knowing why we do that, a reasonable outcome of free-will and rationality.
No wonder why I seek love, for selflessly love somebody for life, is also a purpose of life, a demonstration of free-will
But there is more to me, for I know my higher spirit is not satisfied with just live to love somebody for life. I still have a purpose of life that I am looking for, one to demonstrate my soul and my free-will. Not as a puppet, not as a beast… that is the life of mankind.
I don’t think it is a way of life to follow our instinct;
Not a life to pursue pleasure
Not a life to satisfy instinct
That’s the life of a beast, not the life of a being with sense
Sentient beings as us, with a will that other species do not possess, should have a missions that is just greater than beast; for they don’t have a sense of self and they serve only as a part of nature, we (humans) have the ability to break nature, because of this will we have.
Without that, I don’t live a life of a human. I live only the life of a beast, or a tool.
Maybe I should respect the right of the others to live a different ‘life of man’ themselves –
Human have dreams, we can live for our dreams. But that is not enough if our dream is only to satisfy our nature
But we must not live with no purpose, for that is a waste of our will, free-will. Following only our instinct degrades us to the rank of beast, mindless, or single-minded.
I lack an ultimate purpose in life which demonstrates my free-will. That’s why I don’t feel human, but a machine, programmed to live like an animal, or tool.
To me, the purpose of a human life is to demonstrate our free will, for that is what makes us special, something that is unconditioned and unprogrammed, with variety.
No wonder why some would choose death, it is an ultimate form of free-will demonstration, against our nature to survive and for knowing why we do that, a reasonable outcome of free-will and rationality.
No wonder why I seek love, for selflessly love somebody for life, is also a purpose of life, a demonstration of free-will
But there is more to me, for I know my higher spirit is not satisfied with just live to love somebody for life. I still have a purpose of life that I am looking for, one to demonstrate my soul and my free-will. Not as a puppet, not as a beast… that is the life of mankind.
Dear Diary #14
Dear Diary,
I am feeling a bit happy today, because for the first time of the year, I handed in a reading summary!!!
Shadow: What a shame
... well, other than that, everything's cool.
I still have no idea how to get closer to a person, that sux~
Studying a person is very unlike to studying a species, because animals don't know you are observing them, maybe they do, but couldn't care less.
I should probably ask the others how to do that...
I am feeling a bit happy today, because for the first time of the year, I handed in a reading summary!!!
Shadow: What a shame
... well, other than that, everything's cool.
I still have no idea how to get closer to a person, that sux~
Studying a person is very unlike to studying a species, because animals don't know you are observing them, maybe they do, but couldn't care less.
I should probably ask the others how to do that...
Monday, March 1, 2010
I don't feel like to be a human
For I don't see things from the perspective of a human
Feels like a tool, or a spirit
Feels like a tool, or a spirit
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