Little Italy
NXNE (perhaps, need time to do research)
Family friend + Niagara Fall trip (looking forward to that one...)
And cooking, but I need to find some victims first... and yes I need to borrow a kitchen.... with full equipment.
Won't have time for piano until next week XD
p.s panic+ing @ war and peace in middle east study atm, can't concentrate
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
flip flop in bed
Sometimes, I want to share my reluctance with some people.
But the only one I am willing to talk to and share with is beyond reach atm, and not likely I would go to the person anyway, for we don't share a common life.
But the only one I am willing to talk to and share with is beyond reach atm, and not likely I would go to the person anyway, for we don't share a common life.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
A look back
Kept drawing myself into trouble eh...
But this is me, not others, not anyone that I see from my eyes.
Differences...
But this is me, not others, not anyone that I see from my eyes.
Differences...
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
voice under heart
i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. i don't like you. x1000
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
How to combat enemies that you can't see
Such as human malice.
It is not safe to assume I will not sncounter it anymore, still, I am unequipped against such foe.
It is not necessarily to blog a sword using another sword, you can use a shield.
What is it then
It is not safe to assume I will not sncounter it anymore, still, I am unequipped against such foe.
It is not necessarily to blog a sword using another sword, you can use a shield.
What is it then
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
少年的煩惱?
近日所煩的都是少年才應該有的煩惱
但我已經成人了，不其然想到成人和少年的分別 (因為作為一個成人，有的應該只是成人的煩惱吧？)
...我從來都是個成人，對我而言從來都没有少年期
所擔憂的從没有改變，那麼現在的迷惑又是為什麼...
覺悟不足
但我已經成人了，不其然想到成人和少年的分別 (因為作為一個成人，有的應該只是成人的煩惱吧？)
...我從來都是個成人，對我而言從來都没有少年期
所擔憂的從没有改變，那麼現在的迷惑又是為什麼...
覺悟不足
Monday, April 12, 2010
Direction
I am capable of many things, that I know, given of enough time, I can become a master of many crafts.
I feel like... being just a student in university is not enough. I should indulge myself in more skills, to pursue them.
Music is my interest and happiness, i will pursue it.
Skill in developing and utilizing my physical assest, such as bodyguarding skills, are necessarily, I will pursue them.
What I am looking for now however, is the skill of production.
Jack of all trades... we can be anything, but it is sad when we don't have something that we are particularly interested in. Coz for the rest of our lives, we will be forced to do different kind of things that we are not particularly interested in (when it comes to for our livings).
I feel like... being just a student in university is not enough. I should indulge myself in more skills, to pursue them.
Music is my interest and happiness, i will pursue it.
Skill in developing and utilizing my physical assest, such as bodyguarding skills, are necessarily, I will pursue them.
What I am looking for now however, is the skill of production.
Jack of all trades... we can be anything, but it is sad when we don't have something that we are particularly interested in. Coz for the rest of our lives, we will be forced to do different kind of things that we are not particularly interested in (when it comes to for our livings).
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
為君而死
近來這個詞經常在我的腦海中出現，所以今日grocery shop後候車時候思考了一下"為君而死"同“為君而活"既分別。
之所以會想到依個詞其實都同"目標"有關...
讀書時讀到話一個democratic and free society 應該係建基於人民既general will 之上，但很明顯... 現今再想找到什麼general will 既集體協議... 根本就冇嘛！ 我又不是什麼天生魅力超群既人... 教育或者領導什麼的，冇共識既話大概很難成功。
對於"完美世界"這個願望既前景就同今日既天空一樣： 灰暗，不透光，隨時下雪——— 没啥好高興的。
如果想為整個世界盡忠太難既話，退而求其次，只為一個人盡忠好像簡單得多了...
嘛~ 簡單點說，思想上我又是在逃避了...
直接講結論好了: “為君而活"比"為君而死"難得多。 因為啊~ 如果只是為了某人去死的話...就假設是為了成就他人既人生吧，死了一了百了，没有麻煩，而且可以由自己控制，能夠看成忠於自己。但是為了某人而活的話...如字面意義一樣，雖然呼吸食飯訓覺的都是自己，不過意義什麼的都是他人的了...簡單點來講，没有靈魂。
所謂既"寄托"嗎？...還真是無聊。
不過聽起來挺不負責任的，I am totally fine with that
...總比不為任何事物生或死強。
近來破壞慾又變強了...真難壓制
考試既副作用 -_-
之所以會想到依個詞其實都同"目標"有關...
讀書時讀到話一個democratic and free society 應該係建基於人民既general will 之上，但很明顯... 現今再想找到什麼general will 既集體協議... 根本就冇嘛！ 我又不是什麼天生魅力超群既人... 教育或者領導什麼的，冇共識既話大概很難成功。
對於"完美世界"這個願望既前景就同今日既天空一樣： 灰暗，不透光，隨時下雪——— 没啥好高興的。
如果想為整個世界盡忠太難既話，退而求其次，只為一個人盡忠好像簡單得多了...
嘛~ 簡單點說，思想上我又是在逃避了...
直接講結論好了: “為君而活"比"為君而死"難得多。 因為啊~ 如果只是為了某人去死的話...就假設是為了成就他人既人生吧，死了一了百了，没有麻煩，而且可以由自己控制，能夠看成忠於自己。但是為了某人而活的話...如字面意義一樣，雖然呼吸食飯訓覺的都是自己，不過意義什麼的都是他人的了...簡單點來講，没有靈魂。
所謂既"寄托"嗎？...還真是無聊。
不過聽起來挺不負責任的，I am totally fine with that
...總比不為任何事物生或死強。
近來破壞慾又變強了...真難壓制
考試既副作用 -_-
Friday, April 9, 2010
Dear Diary #22 (Dream)
Dear Diary,
I was exhausted yesterday so i slept at 10
Didn't wakeup until 9 today
What I am trying to say is... i had a dream last night, an usual one. Giving me a bit of lonliness after waking up, more of missing however.
In my dream, I have a long met friend, his name is "豪", I called him "呀豪" in my dream.
The background world... i'm pretty sure it's not earth, cause everything's so perfect, but the place looks like a mix of Canada and HK that's it. Other than 呀豪, some others that I have met in Canada showed up in dream as well.
The story starts with... yea, after a Sunday morning and the mass's over (weird, I have not been to a mass for long time already). I went there with 呀豪 and some of my friends from Canada. Perhaps there was too many people, when the mass's over, everyone tried to flush outside of the place and we were separated. It took me about 15 to 30 mins to relocate the scattered friends (surely the place was big, some of us had to leave from the underground tunnel because the frontdoor was so crammed already. The exit of the tunnel leads us to the foot of the hill wihle the frontdoor of the church is located at the waist of it)
I was able to contact everyone, except for 呀豪. So I kept searching for him, others joined to help as well, but regradless of how hard I searched, I still couldn't find him. I thought he might go to some places that he would go usually, so I traveled everywhere that I know to see if I was able to find him; gardens by gardens, places by places, houses by houses, doors by doors, but I could still find nothing. Others helped and tried to search in different places, but their efforts were also in vain.
And so the bright morning and afternoon were gone and soon the sun had set... I had no other means but to tell 豪's parent that he's gone missing. His parents were not very happy when they saw me, for I am his best friend, yet I lost him, and I failed to find him.
One thing very special abt 豪's house is that, his house is a restaurant, more like a pub actually. The ground floor's for business and Ho's bedroom is at the second floor.
I decided to wait in his room, hopefully he would return as time pass by... but he didn't.
When it is almost dawn of the next day. His father decided to search for 豪 himself and he brought me along. I never knew where was the confidence he showed from,the only emotion I had received from his was his unsatisfactory of losing and not capable of finding 豪 despite I am his best friend, but scarcely any fear or worry of his son gone missing. On his way driving, he scolded me again another time for failing to my best friend. He scolded me in such an angry tone that I can still remember the words he said:
"You claimed to be my son's best friend, yet, HOW MUCH do you really know of him, HUH?"
I wanted to argue that I do, but when I tried to list examples for myself such as... I knew where he'd go usually, I noticed: ".. just because I he appeared to be in those places for that one time does not mean anything"
... and nothing else?
"You don't know my son," 豪's dad continued "If you knew him, you would understand him, you would look at him closely and understand him better than now you do!"
The day had become bright again just as he drove and talked, and while he was still talking, I could already see 呀豪 through the windshield, running before the car... there's a plastic toy plane before him and he's flying it happily... running, and enjoying himself blissfully.
After being scolded by his dad, this time I wanted to pay full attention to all his acts, to understand him better and watch him closely; until this moment, I started to notice that he was so bright as if his person's growing (he is, in the dream, is that because he was dressed in white?), his body seemed so light and young while he kept runnign and jumping, playing and having fun like the purest and happiest soul... (he looked like 8 years old kid in my dream, at that moment)
豪's dad parked the car beside the grassfield, we stopped and just kept our eyes on 豪 quietly... and I told myself: "Yea, from this day on, I will look at his every act carefully now, to understand him better..."
---
Of course, I was a little bit missing that 呀豪 after waking up from my dreams. But since I know it's not real (i felt like i was 16 or younger in that dream, wthbbq <--- swearing is a mark of growth), there is nothing much that really worths feeling regretful for.
And it's half-past 9, I slept 11 hours... godforbid, i still have work undone, so I had to crawl out from bed asap.
I did, have a friend called 豪 before when I was small, studying in primary school. He was my best friend, a quiet person... and.. yea, I have not seen him anymore ever since graduating from my highschool. Thinking of him reminds me of the happy times we had together when we were small.
I hope he is still doing fine on the other side of earth... does he still remember me? Would he still think of me every now and then?...
I pray for you, my long-ago friend, the memory shards of you are still with me...
Have a nice day, hope you can laugh as happy and innocent as you did in my dream.
I was exhausted yesterday so i slept at 10
Didn't wakeup until 9 today
What I am trying to say is... i had a dream last night, an usual one. Giving me a bit of lonliness after waking up, more of missing however.
In my dream, I have a long met friend, his name is "豪", I called him "呀豪" in my dream.
The background world... i'm pretty sure it's not earth, cause everything's so perfect, but the place looks like a mix of Canada and HK that's it. Other than 呀豪, some others that I have met in Canada showed up in dream as well.
The story starts with... yea, after a Sunday morning and the mass's over (weird, I have not been to a mass for long time already). I went there with 呀豪 and some of my friends from Canada. Perhaps there was too many people, when the mass's over, everyone tried to flush outside of the place and we were separated. It took me about 15 to 30 mins to relocate the scattered friends (surely the place was big, some of us had to leave from the underground tunnel because the frontdoor was so crammed already. The exit of the tunnel leads us to the foot of the hill wihle the frontdoor of the church is located at the waist of it)
I was able to contact everyone, except for 呀豪. So I kept searching for him, others joined to help as well, but regradless of how hard I searched, I still couldn't find him. I thought he might go to some places that he would go usually, so I traveled everywhere that I know to see if I was able to find him; gardens by gardens, places by places, houses by houses, doors by doors, but I could still find nothing. Others helped and tried to search in different places, but their efforts were also in vain.
And so the bright morning and afternoon were gone and soon the sun had set... I had no other means but to tell 豪's parent that he's gone missing. His parents were not very happy when they saw me, for I am his best friend, yet I lost him, and I failed to find him.
One thing very special abt 豪's house is that, his house is a restaurant, more like a pub actually. The ground floor's for business and Ho's bedroom is at the second floor.
I decided to wait in his room, hopefully he would return as time pass by... but he didn't.
When it is almost dawn of the next day. His father decided to search for 豪 himself and he brought me along. I never knew where was the confidence he showed from,the only emotion I had received from his was his unsatisfactory of losing and not capable of finding 豪 despite I am his best friend, but scarcely any fear or worry of his son gone missing. On his way driving, he scolded me again another time for failing to my best friend. He scolded me in such an angry tone that I can still remember the words he said:
"You claimed to be my son's best friend, yet, HOW MUCH do you really know of him, HUH?"
I wanted to argue that I do, but when I tried to list examples for myself such as... I knew where he'd go usually, I noticed: ".. just because I he appeared to be in those places for that one time does not mean anything"
... and nothing else?
"You don't know my son," 豪's dad continued "If you knew him, you would understand him, you would look at him closely and understand him better than now you do!"
The day had become bright again just as he drove and talked, and while he was still talking, I could already see 呀豪 through the windshield, running before the car... there's a plastic toy plane before him and he's flying it happily... running, and enjoying himself blissfully.
After being scolded by his dad, this time I wanted to pay full attention to all his acts, to understand him better and watch him closely; until this moment, I started to notice that he was so bright as if his person's growing (he is, in the dream, is that because he was dressed in white?), his body seemed so light and young while he kept runnign and jumping, playing and having fun like the purest and happiest soul... (he looked like 8 years old kid in my dream, at that moment)
豪's dad parked the car beside the grassfield, we stopped and just kept our eyes on 豪 quietly... and I told myself: "Yea, from this day on, I will look at his every act carefully now, to understand him better..."
---
Of course, I was a little bit missing that 呀豪 after waking up from my dreams. But since I know it's not real (i felt like i was 16 or younger in that dream, wthbbq <--- swearing is a mark of growth), there is nothing much that really worths feeling regretful for.
And it's half-past 9, I slept 11 hours... godforbid, i still have work undone, so I had to crawl out from bed asap.
I did, have a friend called 豪 before when I was small, studying in primary school. He was my best friend, a quiet person... and.. yea, I have not seen him anymore ever since graduating from my highschool. Thinking of him reminds me of the happy times we had together when we were small.
I hope he is still doing fine on the other side of earth... does he still remember me? Would he still think of me every now and then?...
I pray for you, my long-ago friend, the memory shards of you are still with me...
Have a nice day, hope you can laugh as happy and innocent as you did in my dream.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
1 same cantus, different stories
There's a same cantus that keeps ringing in my head
It initially was a rhythm to comfort an anxious and desperate heart.
The second person who sang this rhythm had her heart broken for knowing what it stands for.
The last man who sang this rhythm perceives it has nothing more than a shame and nightmare that haunts him, reminding him of his failure and pain.
... This same rhythm reminds me of that great snowy day, when there's nothing but a gray sky above me and dead trees surrounding me.
It initially was a rhythm to comfort an anxious and desperate heart.
The second person who sang this rhythm had her heart broken for knowing what it stands for.
The last man who sang this rhythm perceives it has nothing more than a shame and nightmare that haunts him, reminding him of his failure and pain.
... This same rhythm reminds me of that great snowy day, when there's nothing but a gray sky above me and dead trees surrounding me.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Resolve to victory
〈群眾〉:（名字)！（名字)！（名字)！...
〈主角〉:（名字)無所畏懼！
〈群眾〉:（名字)無所畏懼！
〈群眾〉:（名字)不會放棄！
〈群眾〉:（名字)不會逃避！
〈群眾〉:（名字)不會失敗！
〈群眾〉:（名字)！（名字)！（名字)！...
〈主角〉:（名字)無所畏懼！
〈群眾〉:（名字)無所畏懼！
〈群眾〉:（名字)不會放棄！
〈群眾〉:（名字)不會逃避！
〈群眾〉:（名字)不會失敗！
〈群眾〉:（名字)！（名字)！（名字)！...
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Dear Diary #20
Dear Diary,
It's definitely a weird day today.
But I don't mind having a day like this everyday! (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)
/whistle /dance
In short, I think I can die peacefully tonight with no regret *_*
I hope tomorrow will be the same, and so is the day after tomorrow.
It's definitely a weird day today.
But I don't mind having a day like this everyday! (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)
/whistle /dance
In short, I think I can die peacefully tonight with no regret *_*
I hope tomorrow will be the same, and so is the day after tomorrow.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A pain in heart
Seeing her but not able to talk with her.
Perhaps it was better for me to not had a crush on her in the very first place, at least I would be able to chat and laugh with her freely, but what's the point then? All the time I could only watch and prepare.
She will not understand me in silence, nothing will reach an understanding in silence...
Perhaps it was better for me to not had a crush on her in the very first place, at least I would be able to chat and laugh with her freely, but what's the point then? All the time I could only watch and prepare.
She will not understand me in silence, nothing will reach an understanding in silence...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Dear Diary #19
Dear Diary,
It sux when your brain couldn't load something propre to say when you are supposed to say smoething.
I should learn to stop hiding thoughts in heart, argh
It sux when your brain couldn't load something propre to say when you are supposed to say smoething.
I should learn to stop hiding thoughts in heart, argh
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Dear Diary #18 (dream)
Dear Diary,
I've had a very weird dream this morning
'death is redemption'
in my dream, i almost killed 2 people... in fact, 4, because of such belief. And I was originally on my way to kill somebody, so I almost killed 5 people in the process.
It's a good thing that I did not kill anyone before I woke up I believe. For what I did was no just but results only based on a distorted desire to help.
*sigh* Four lives... if the first and secon target I so determinded to give them peace were not special, I wonder would I lay down my strikes without hesitation.
I've had a very weird dream this morning
'death is redemption'
in my dream, i almost killed 2 people... in fact, 4, because of such belief. And I was originally on my way to kill somebody, so I almost killed 5 people in the process.
It's a good thing that I did not kill anyone before I woke up I believe. For what I did was no just but results only based on a distorted desire to help.
*sigh* Four lives... if the first and secon target I so determinded to give them peace were not special, I wonder would I lay down my strikes without hesitation.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
1 extra activity when I am free from work
I am going to find a backyard, and then I will practice knife/shuriken throwing.
Dear Diary #17 (anxiety)
Dear Diary,
I am feeling so anxious (extremely) at the moment
Not only because I still have work undone and the due time draws closer and closer
but something more
Tonight it's gonna be pubnight for the debating club and some other asian clubs from the university...
She's going, but I'm not.
Blast, I still haven't had my things done yet.
Blast, I don't drink.
Blast, I am not earning my own money yet~
... ok these are all excuses, seriously, if i was more prepared, I would go even if i have got nothign to do there. Dangerous place, now I hope she will know how to take care of herself well... of course she does! ...But you can never tell....
In that case, I hope the others friends will take care of her as well! What if she's drunk? Somebody has to take care of her!
gawd damnit
Argh, I would go to there and just sit if I get to make sure that she'll be alright. O dear.... hmmmm
*roll in bed*
I hate you, assignment.
.... there are dangers that even the mightiest weapon cannot solve.
Nor would peace talk work! So I am useless, DARN!
Should I pray now? I wonder...
well, perhaps that won't be necessary either, for I know the other guys are gonna take care of her well...
Perhaps what I am mad at is actually the fact that I am not the one watching over her -_- brrrrrr
Hope she will have a happy and fine night, that's all.
So my honest feeling? You ask me... hm...
Well, something like 'I hope the sky would rain swords and pierce any male getting close to her when she pubs'
How selfish, how bloody~ shame on you, shame on you~
Argh, I a giving myself a headache and a heartache.
I am feeling so anxious (extremely) at the moment
Not only because I still have work undone and the due time draws closer and closer
but something more
Tonight it's gonna be pubnight for the debating club and some other asian clubs from the university...
She's going, but I'm not.
Blast, I still haven't had my things done yet.
Blast, I don't drink.
Blast, I am not earning my own money yet~
... ok these are all excuses, seriously, if i was more prepared, I would go even if i have got nothign to do there. Dangerous place, now I hope she will know how to take care of herself well... of course she does! ...But you can never tell....
In that case, I hope the others friends will take care of her as well! What if she's drunk? Somebody has to take care of her!
gawd damnit
Argh, I would go to there and just sit if I get to make sure that she'll be alright. O dear.... hmmmm
*roll in bed*
I hate you, assignment.
.... there are dangers that even the mightiest weapon cannot solve.
Nor would peace talk work! So I am useless, DARN!
Should I pray now? I wonder...
well, perhaps that won't be necessary either, for I know the other guys are gonna take care of her well...
Perhaps what I am mad at is actually the fact that I am not the one watching over her -_- brrrrrr
Hope she will have a happy and fine night, that's all.
So my honest feeling? You ask me... hm...
Well, something like 'I hope the sky would rain swords and pierce any male getting close to her when she pubs'
How selfish, how bloody~ shame on you, shame on you~
Argh, I a giving myself a headache and a heartache.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Dear Diary #16 (Mask)
Dear Diary
I went to watch mock debate today
Can't say my mood was nice all along.
In fact, bad.
First not to mention there were bunch of people I was not very willing to meet.
And a lot of new people who I don't have any idea who they are, though not very interested in either.
I didn't chat much with my friends, for there were no time and I prefer 1 on 1 talk more, not really into crowd chat. Loner habit
Last but not least, also the main cause of my dark cloud: the 'only' person of interest was there, but I couldn't bear to stay close to her, for I know I will only feel the distance/gap between us. No way to feel cheerful upon knowing that at first sight. (really, i want to get close to her and just chat, I envy another person i know very much for he can do that easily, but we are different... and the same thing we do will surely have different meanings, that i do not doubt for now).
The debate was a mess, but good experience to the neophytes i believe, I wonder how many of them will become mature debater after this semester.
I escaped when the debate was over. For I decided to stop clinging to hope that things would go any better.
My moody feeling left me in thoughts again.
"What am I?"
No, not am I a human or not already, that I already have an answer. Now it is the second problem that I have to face: persnalities
I know what my core is, that I already explained in my previous records, but since my core is only for myself, but not for the others, I wear masks to cover myself up in different occasions.
Masks - that confuses even myself as well.
Usually I wear the mask of a boring person, who speaks nothing, with tired and unfriendly eyes, a face with no emotion, almost angry - perceived by some. The kind of mask that says 'Don't talk to me' or 'I am not up for sh_t' loud by mere staring.
And I try to act and behave accordingly to my 'boring mask' by speaking blunt and showing little restrain of temper to idiotism.
But the mask breaks easily when others start to interact with me, I begin to laugh, and I will say silly jokes or behave foolishly just to arouse more laughters and cheer people up.
But at the same time I feel tiring. I am not sure how should I explain my feelings: I want to be remain quiet, but when I am with others, I can't help but keep thinking ideas to cheer them up, because I fear I would bored them.
Sometimes I am not sure is that me or not when I laugh, or when I behave foolishly, like a clown to act for the laughters of the audience. I willingly do that I think, coz i do that automatically, without feeling bad.
So... what am I? Why are my characters so extreme to each others? Black and white... but not grey. It feels weird when u can't blend your character together.
I also think that may be the way I developed to protect myself from harm, but my heart... it's not as indemanding as the mask may look. I know another part of me want care and interaction with other people too, but I am reluctant to do that on the other hand.
Ah, my heart's desired one, what would you think if you were me?
I went to watch mock debate today
Can't say my mood was nice all along.
In fact, bad.
First not to mention there were bunch of people I was not very willing to meet.
And a lot of new people who I don't have any idea who they are, though not very interested in either.
I didn't chat much with my friends, for there were no time and I prefer 1 on 1 talk more, not really into crowd chat. Loner habit
Last but not least, also the main cause of my dark cloud: the 'only' person of interest was there, but I couldn't bear to stay close to her, for I know I will only feel the distance/gap between us. No way to feel cheerful upon knowing that at first sight. (really, i want to get close to her and just chat, I envy another person i know very much for he can do that easily, but we are different... and the same thing we do will surely have different meanings, that i do not doubt for now).
The debate was a mess, but good experience to the neophytes i believe, I wonder how many of them will become mature debater after this semester.
I escaped when the debate was over. For I decided to stop clinging to hope that things would go any better.
My moody feeling left me in thoughts again.
"What am I?"
No, not am I a human or not already, that I already have an answer. Now it is the second problem that I have to face: persnalities
I know what my core is, that I already explained in my previous records, but since my core is only for myself, but not for the others, I wear masks to cover myself up in different occasions.
Masks - that confuses even myself as well.
Usually I wear the mask of a boring person, who speaks nothing, with tired and unfriendly eyes, a face with no emotion, almost angry - perceived by some. The kind of mask that says 'Don't talk to me' or 'I am not up for sh_t' loud by mere staring.
And I try to act and behave accordingly to my 'boring mask' by speaking blunt and showing little restrain of temper to idiotism.
But the mask breaks easily when others start to interact with me, I begin to laugh, and I will say silly jokes or behave foolishly just to arouse more laughters and cheer people up.
But at the same time I feel tiring. I am not sure how should I explain my feelings: I want to be remain quiet, but when I am with others, I can't help but keep thinking ideas to cheer them up, because I fear I would bored them.
Sometimes I am not sure is that me or not when I laugh, or when I behave foolishly, like a clown to act for the laughters of the audience. I willingly do that I think, coz i do that automatically, without feeling bad.
So... what am I? Why are my characters so extreme to each others? Black and white... but not grey. It feels weird when u can't blend your character together.
I also think that may be the way I developed to protect myself from harm, but my heart... it's not as indemanding as the mask may look. I know another part of me want care and interaction with other people too, but I am reluctant to do that on the other hand.
Ah, my heart's desired one, what would you think if you were me?
Friday, March 5, 2010
Why do I like 'collecting' stories
Collecting as in, reading, experiencing, witnessing, hearing, etc.
To me, they are interested, some are just beautiful, and some of them even touch me.
I only have one life, so to experience and feel more, I experience the 'life' of the others.
Other than just for this purpose, I also like collecting stories for the sake of learning. The each experience I learn or I feel in the story, will somewhat, I trust, affect my life in the future.
Also a good chance for reflection.
When I read a story now, my attitude is different from before. I criticize less, but feeling more of compassionate and understanding now. A lot of remorse inside me when I read a sad event, or a pity that I somewhat missed in my life.
I am a libarian of stories, humans' experiences. I keep the laughters, the sorrow, the tears of joy or of sadness, the heroism, all in my mind. When the time is proper, I share the stories with those who are interested in listening.
This time I 'watch' from a fiction-game: Heavy Rain
Part I:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hMDHbr-300&feature=SeriesPlayList&p=B28B28FF84CAD4C5
Feel the love and sorrow
To me, they are interested, some are just beautiful, and some of them even touch me.
I only have one life, so to experience and feel more, I experience the 'life' of the others.
Other than just for this purpose, I also like collecting stories for the sake of learning. The each experience I learn or I feel in the story, will somewhat, I trust, affect my life in the future.
Also a good chance for reflection.
When I read a story now, my attitude is different from before. I criticize less, but feeling more of compassionate and understanding now. A lot of remorse inside me when I read a sad event, or a pity that I somewhat missed in my life.
I am a libarian of stories, humans' experiences. I keep the laughters, the sorrow, the tears of joy or of sadness, the heroism, all in my mind. When the time is proper, I share the stories with those who are interested in listening.
This time I 'watch' from a fiction-game: Heavy Rain
Part I:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hMDHbr-300&feature=SeriesPlayList&p=B28B28FF84CAD4C5
Feel the love and sorrow
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Dear Diary #15 (SMS)
Dear Diary,
So in times when I had no idea I did something like that, I got myself a female lover named Shely from Montreal.
"Relem back bebe. Je t?aime beaucoup mon amour."
(Come back baby. I love you so much my love.)
Under some assist from a friend of mine, we started chatting, and soon, we became pen friend for.... a few hours, until 1:30pm
When I thought she had finally lost interest in me, she sent me another sms on 7 something.
"Appellez moi c?es urgent."
(Call me this is urgent.)
I would love to, but I cannot speak French. Plus, sending SMS over to montreal is too expensive. Therefore, for the last time, I told her I am 'Chris' from toronto, not anybody she wanted to talk to.... (Lady, you've got the wrong number!)
I predict I won't be receiving her sms again tomorrow.
Such a short encounter of fate.
Why did I bother to reply her from the first place? That's because.... well, I just can't leave anyone who says she loves me alone like that, nod* Plus she sounded so desperate... (<- For the first bloody time in my life, except my mum and my aunts)
And if she's someone rich in Montreal, she might treat us a trip to Montreal XD
But then, just to destroy my bubble of optimism, my friend pointed out that 'Shely' might be actually working for my phone company and all the long distance SMS I made today is but a trick to cheat me money...
I hate this world
So in times when I had no idea I did something like that, I got myself a female lover named Shely from Montreal.
"Relem back bebe. Je t?aime beaucoup mon amour."
(Come back baby. I love you so much my love.)
Under some assist from a friend of mine, we started chatting, and soon, we became pen friend for.... a few hours, until 1:30pm
When I thought she had finally lost interest in me, she sent me another sms on 7 something.
"Appellez moi c?es urgent."
(Call me this is urgent.)
I would love to, but I cannot speak French. Plus, sending SMS over to montreal is too expensive. Therefore, for the last time, I told her I am 'Chris' from toronto, not anybody she wanted to talk to.... (Lady, you've got the wrong number!)
I predict I won't be receiving her sms again tomorrow.
Such a short encounter of fate.
Why did I bother to reply her from the first place? That's because.... well, I just can't leave anyone who says she loves me alone like that, nod* Plus she sounded so desperate... (<- For the first bloody time in my life, except my mum and my aunts)
And if she's someone rich in Montreal, she might treat us a trip to Montreal XD
But then, just to destroy my bubble of optimism, my friend pointed out that 'Shely' might be actually working for my phone company and all the long distance SMS I made today is but a trick to cheat me money...
I hate this world
Plan for this summer
It's time to set a plan, just to plan things up to cheer myself before i have to go through all the sh_t before summer
1. Find a job then work at least 35 hours to buy a (acoustic) GUITAR!
2. Look for informatino and apply for a french learning course
3. 3 days of school a week
4. A stray-day with friend before May
An interest is something costly to sustain, but well, that's life. Go me!
1. Find a job then work at least 35 hours to buy a (acoustic) GUITAR!
2. Look for informatino and apply for a french learning course
3. 3 days of school a week
4. A stray-day with friend before May
An interest is something costly to sustain, but well, that's life. Go me!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
What is free-will?
Firstly, freedom, a will cannot be free without freedom. If it is conditioned by anything, it is not free but merely a ‘reasonable reaction’. Beasts can perform reasonable reaction too.
Second, free-will is different to everyone. So the way we think should also be different, guided not by our beastly instincts but our personal preferences, our opinions, our style etc. If everyone thinks the same, as a group instead of individuals, it is a collective mind. Still, there can be free-will in a collective mind, if it is guided by freedom of choice instead of instinct, such as hunger.
Be wise to pick your role; are you a tool? A beast? Or a human?
Second, free-will is different to everyone. So the way we think should also be different, guided not by our beastly instincts but our personal preferences, our opinions, our style etc. If everyone thinks the same, as a group instead of individuals, it is a collective mind. Still, there can be free-will in a collective mind, if it is guided by freedom of choice instead of instinct, such as hunger.
Be wise to pick your role; are you a tool? A beast? Or a human?
Life of mankind
What is the life of a human supposed to be?
I don’t think it is a way of life to follow our instinct;
Not a life to pursue pleasure
Not a life to satisfy instinct
That’s the life of a beast, not the life of a being with sense
Sentient beings as us, with a will that other species do not possess, should have a missions that is just greater than beast; for they don’t have a sense of self and they serve only as a part of nature, we (humans) have the ability to break nature, because of this will we have.
Without that, I don’t live a life of a human. I live only the life of a beast, or a tool.
Maybe I should respect the right of the others to live a different ‘life of man’ themselves –
Human have dreams, we can live for our dreams. But that is not enough if our dream is only to satisfy our nature
But we must not live with no purpose, for that is a waste of our will, free-will. Following only our instinct degrades us to the rank of beast, mindless, or single-minded.
I lack an ultimate purpose in life which demonstrates my free-will. That’s why I don’t feel human, but a machine, programmed to live like an animal, or tool.
To me, the purpose of a human life is to demonstrate our free will, for that is what makes us special, something that is unconditioned and unprogrammed, with variety.
No wonder why some would choose death, it is an ultimate form of free-will demonstration, against our nature to survive and for knowing why we do that, a reasonable outcome of free-will and rationality.
No wonder why I seek love, for selflessly love somebody for life, is also a purpose of life, a demonstration of free-will
But there is more to me, for I know my higher spirit is not satisfied with just live to love somebody for life. I still have a purpose of life that I am looking for, one to demonstrate my soul and my free-will. Not as a puppet, not as a beast… that is the life of mankind.
I don’t think it is a way of life to follow our instinct;
Not a life to pursue pleasure
Not a life to satisfy instinct
That’s the life of a beast, not the life of a being with sense
Sentient beings as us, with a will that other species do not possess, should have a missions that is just greater than beast; for they don’t have a sense of self and they serve only as a part of nature, we (humans) have the ability to break nature, because of this will we have.
Without that, I don’t live a life of a human. I live only the life of a beast, or a tool.
Maybe I should respect the right of the others to live a different ‘life of man’ themselves –
Human have dreams, we can live for our dreams. But that is not enough if our dream is only to satisfy our nature
But we must not live with no purpose, for that is a waste of our will, free-will. Following only our instinct degrades us to the rank of beast, mindless, or single-minded.
I lack an ultimate purpose in life which demonstrates my free-will. That’s why I don’t feel human, but a machine, programmed to live like an animal, or tool.
To me, the purpose of a human life is to demonstrate our free will, for that is what makes us special, something that is unconditioned and unprogrammed, with variety.
No wonder why some would choose death, it is an ultimate form of free-will demonstration, against our nature to survive and for knowing why we do that, a reasonable outcome of free-will and rationality.
No wonder why I seek love, for selflessly love somebody for life, is also a purpose of life, a demonstration of free-will
But there is more to me, for I know my higher spirit is not satisfied with just live to love somebody for life. I still have a purpose of life that I am looking for, one to demonstrate my soul and my free-will. Not as a puppet, not as a beast… that is the life of mankind.
Dear Diary #14
Dear Diary,
I am feeling a bit happy today, because for the first time of the year, I handed in a reading summary!!!
Shadow: What a shame
... well, other than that, everything's cool.
I still have no idea how to get closer to a person, that sux~
Studying a person is very unlike to studying a species, because animals don't know you are observing them, maybe they do, but couldn't care less.
I should probably ask the others how to do that...
I am feeling a bit happy today, because for the first time of the year, I handed in a reading summary!!!
Shadow: What a shame
... well, other than that, everything's cool.
I still have no idea how to get closer to a person, that sux~
Studying a person is very unlike to studying a species, because animals don't know you are observing them, maybe they do, but couldn't care less.
I should probably ask the others how to do that...
Monday, March 1, 2010
I don't feel like to be a human
For I don't see things from the perspective of a human
Feels like a tool, or a spirit
Feels like a tool, or a spirit
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Dear Diary #13
Dear Diary,
I am supposed to be already at school, studying. So many things standing in my way today; news, casual blogs, newly updated computer game walkthroughs...
Damn! time is never enough.
I wonder in this day, which I was experiencing boredom a few mins ago, how is she spending her day...
I suppose living with family is not as boring as living alone, normally speaking... then? how will she live her day today?
I can only wonder, that's one thing, I still have my duty to fulfill.
I am supposed to be already at school, studying. So many things standing in my way today; news, casual blogs, newly updated computer game walkthroughs...
Damn! time is never enough.
I wonder in this day, which I was experiencing boredom a few mins ago, how is she spending her day...
I suppose living with family is not as boring as living alone, normally speaking... then? how will she live her day today?
I can only wonder, that's one thing, I still have my duty to fulfill.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Dear Diary #12
Dear Diary,
I was thinking about a question this afternoon, about what I want
I have drawn a conclusion at the end of my thinking that, my nature is either gone, or very close to grinded off.
When I was small, I wouldn't think;
"laughter does not fit me"
"i am selfish"
"I love being alone"
the cause that had lead me to thinking this was a conflict within myself. I noticed that those are what I want now, but at the same time, I hate to become a person like that.
So my soul and my body do not match now? ... I don't know, don't ask me.
Time seems to pass away so quickly today, I need more time to study
I was thinking about a question this afternoon, about what I want
I have drawn a conclusion at the end of my thinking that, my nature is either gone, or very close to grinded off.
When I was small, I wouldn't think;
"laughter does not fit me"
"i am selfish"
"I love being alone"
the cause that had lead me to thinking this was a conflict within myself. I noticed that those are what I want now, but at the same time, I hate to become a person like that.
So my soul and my body do not match now? ... I don't know, don't ask me.
Time seems to pass away so quickly today, I need more time to study
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Battlereport
1st thing 1st, always keep in mind you are facing pepole, not angels. If they were saintly good before, it wouldn't need you to do anything, they'd fix themselves. Plan accordingly.
2nd, stay true to self.
2nd, stay true to self.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
This had happened before
Rethink of what I had done.
It happened before too, twice.
The first time, I was trying to launch a tide of discipline in my FPS game guild. To train a better team, discipline is the first thing to govern, that's my logic.
What I had done was pretty simple: as a council member of the guild, I started a rule without counseling other council members to ban foul language usage within the guild.
In the long and tiring debate followed afterward, I bashed everyone for how their sloth and indiscipline caused them the matches. They on the other hand accused me for overreacting and being zealous.
Prohibiting a certain kind of language may seem harsh, but I thought it was a healthy way to train discipline within the members. It is the same logic to cut chatter during a military operation. Since the members themselves did not possess any strong bond of teamwork between each others, I figured the most effective way to compensate for that was to turn them into obedience gears.
The resistance was heavy and the rule was eventually overruled without the support of other council members.
A perfect demonstration of democracy, something we should cherish - though the match team afterward remained the same weak.
Individually speaking, their skills and sense were good. Failed as a team though due to perhaps their personal pride and style.
The second time, I used the same method of creating a scar to leave memories marked in a person's head.
The matter was also quite simple. I was in another guild of another game with a bunch of friends. All were good until 1 of the friends who was also an admin of the channel started abusing his admin power on me, figure it would be fun to kick me out of the chat channel and see me join back, to kick me again.
After protesting for a time, weeks later when he repeat the same thing again, I asked the guildmaster to remove my title as a member before the eyes of everyone.
My evil friend asked me not to do that because the message I want to deliver and the message others perceive will not be the same, and I will only be perceived as narrowminded.
I showed acknowledgement to her but persisted in doing so. The effect was permanent
Now that out of my expectation, I have done it again... I do not doubt that the outcome may repeat itself and chance of having things running in the way I like is slim - but that I do not care.
Let the others think in the way they want. I believe I am right, it's all for the greater good. I want to see changes, so somebody has to do something, otherwise justice will be lost. The weight of such burden, I will carry it.
I won't enjoy it, but this I see as a practice, an ordeal I must go through.
I never lost hope in people, I love them, but I hate them at the same time.
It happened before too, twice.
The first time, I was trying to launch a tide of discipline in my FPS game guild. To train a better team, discipline is the first thing to govern, that's my logic.
What I had done was pretty simple: as a council member of the guild, I started a rule without counseling other council members to ban foul language usage within the guild.
In the long and tiring debate followed afterward, I bashed everyone for how their sloth and indiscipline caused them the matches. They on the other hand accused me for overreacting and being zealous.
Prohibiting a certain kind of language may seem harsh, but I thought it was a healthy way to train discipline within the members. It is the same logic to cut chatter during a military operation. Since the members themselves did not possess any strong bond of teamwork between each others, I figured the most effective way to compensate for that was to turn them into obedience gears.
The resistance was heavy and the rule was eventually overruled without the support of other council members.
A perfect demonstration of democracy, something we should cherish - though the match team afterward remained the same weak.
Individually speaking, their skills and sense were good. Failed as a team though due to perhaps their personal pride and style.
The second time, I used the same method of creating a scar to leave memories marked in a person's head.
The matter was also quite simple. I was in another guild of another game with a bunch of friends. All were good until 1 of the friends who was also an admin of the channel started abusing his admin power on me, figure it would be fun to kick me out of the chat channel and see me join back, to kick me again.
After protesting for a time, weeks later when he repeat the same thing again, I asked the guildmaster to remove my title as a member before the eyes of everyone.
My evil friend asked me not to do that because the message I want to deliver and the message others perceive will not be the same, and I will only be perceived as narrowminded.
I showed acknowledgement to her but persisted in doing so. The effect was permanent
Now that out of my expectation, I have done it again... I do not doubt that the outcome may repeat itself and chance of having things running in the way I like is slim - but that I do not care.
Let the others think in the way they want. I believe I am right, it's all for the greater good. I want to see changes, so somebody has to do something, otherwise justice will be lost. The weight of such burden, I will carry it.
I won't enjoy it, but this I see as a practice, an ordeal I must go through.
I never lost hope in people, I love them, but I hate them at the same time.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
A joke going too far?
Anxiousness is now stirring up in my heart.
That leads me to reconsider of my behaviour, was it wrong?
Or, What had I done to draw people's anger, so easily?
So, what I had done was simple. I set a scheme, and people fell into it for either being innocent or deliberately want to see things happen.
My role in the plot is to play the role of a victim and beg for the mercy of the others. Pity me, spare me from trouble that I told them I was not willing to take. And when the drama was over, I showed up and told the world that they had actually all been fooled by me - what they wanted to see, would not happen. It was because there was no way of achieving it, and it had all been planned all along. Their actions, predicted, and I laughed at them.
To be more precise, they were not fooled nor insulted by me, but by themselves. I merely provided the oppturnity, and they took it.
While I dig myself a grave, they at the same time do the same.
Some of them are pissed upon realizing that...
It was all (sadistic) fun and joy to me.
Why did I have to do that though? I didn't have to do something like that, on second thought, on third thought... no, that was not necessary. And I knew very well, someone is not going to like it, especially when I speak for myself loud in such a scornful tone.
It is an act of vengeance. Act, of retaliation.
I avenge for what, or for who?
I do that for all the poor souls suffered under characteristics of such kind. Suffered from all the selfish, shallow and uncaring minds...
I will not hide my intention of drawing them shame - not that I am being evil; perhaps I am - but to be honest, they would only feel the shame if they were not innocent. Those who showed me mercy did not draw themselves disgrace. And to those who are fairminded, in my term, with depth, would either take it as just a more evil prank, or said nothing for knowing their mistakes.
Some people are boiled over, perhaps for reasons that I did not expect. I would take the blame. But before that, they'd better make sure they weren't wrong themselves.
xxxxxx
Something I have always been thinking is that: are we now, adults, university students, really so different from little kids we once were? In terms of our mental minds.
Our behaviours were always restricted and fixed strictly whenever we misbehave ourselves when wer were small. Time of better discipline, with help. We were taught to be, generous, fairminded, merciful and caring, we were taught to behave well, and maturely. Decent and reasonable.
I look back now, no longer do our parents keep buzzing beside our ears, no longer do they smack our heads to knock the logic into our brains hard, because we are now grown. But have we really become mature? This test I provided, says 'no'.
Some are being careless in thoughts
Some are being merciless, uncaring
Some are being ignorant
Some, shallow, short tempered.
This is far from the 'depth' I seek, my friends, far from the decency I seek, if you care.
Of course, If you ask me do I really harbour such hatred toward you people, am I upset over something that I have to make everybody upset as well? Do I like causing trouble and drama to arouse attention?
Negative to all.
I like and love you people. I trust most of you and harbour favors the same. I dislike conflict, it hurts me to know that I upset some of you too, as if I have upset myself. It wouldn't benefit me from any ways directly in pain.
However, it hurts me more to just see something not right happens and passes by.
And now here we are again, another 'misunderstanding'. I started a war and I intend to face it, with all of you. Perhaps this is why I have to put all my destructive thoughts into this prank just to get some people hurt and satisfy myself.
I did not mind to be condemned, though not willingly (no generous person would really care anyway. Those with EQ high enough would only think I am being mo liu and shrug the matter off their shoulders). I am just honestly showing you another fragment of my soul. Like it or not, it is your choice. But know one thing, this is at most a prank, not something vile.
Take it as a chance of reflection, it is the various weaknesses or mistakes you have shown to yourself by this opportunity that somewhat made the world imperfect.
It had created unhappiness, misunderstandings and rage. Bolstered our sense of 'self', less of 'others'.
And it has created the same thing this time.
It will create the same in the future as well, if we do not become more careful with ourselves, and maintain a control.
Perhaps pointing out issues too sharply is not the best way to everyone for the sake of sharing and/or convincing. (That I do not doubt)
But while you are questioning is this how I treat friends? Shouldn't friends be nicer to each others? Know one thing, consider this as a gift from me, a gift from a friend. I am being nice too, jut this time, not in laughters anymore.
To those who are innocent in this, take this as a warning from an overworried person. Though I am pretty sure this long paragraph's shadow would fade from your impression in matter of days. But I hope you will remember this in time, when one day you accidentally hurt something you cherished, or the innocence, for the same weakness shown this time.
Peace
That leads me to reconsider of my behaviour, was it wrong?
Or, What had I done to draw people's anger, so easily?
So, what I had done was simple. I set a scheme, and people fell into it for either being innocent or deliberately want to see things happen.
My role in the plot is to play the role of a victim and beg for the mercy of the others. Pity me, spare me from trouble that I told them I was not willing to take. And when the drama was over, I showed up and told the world that they had actually all been fooled by me - what they wanted to see, would not happen. It was because there was no way of achieving it, and it had all been planned all along. Their actions, predicted, and I laughed at them.
To be more precise, they were not fooled nor insulted by me, but by themselves. I merely provided the oppturnity, and they took it.
While I dig myself a grave, they at the same time do the same.
Some of them are pissed upon realizing that...
It was all (sadistic) fun and joy to me.
Why did I have to do that though? I didn't have to do something like that, on second thought, on third thought... no, that was not necessary. And I knew very well, someone is not going to like it, especially when I speak for myself loud in such a scornful tone.
It is an act of vengeance. Act, of retaliation.
I avenge for what, or for who?
I do that for all the poor souls suffered under characteristics of such kind. Suffered from all the selfish, shallow and uncaring minds...
I will not hide my intention of drawing them shame - not that I am being evil; perhaps I am - but to be honest, they would only feel the shame if they were not innocent. Those who showed me mercy did not draw themselves disgrace. And to those who are fairminded, in my term, with depth, would either take it as just a more evil prank, or said nothing for knowing their mistakes.
Some people are boiled over, perhaps for reasons that I did not expect. I would take the blame. But before that, they'd better make sure they weren't wrong themselves.
xxxxxx
Something I have always been thinking is that: are we now, adults, university students, really so different from little kids we once were? In terms of our mental minds.
Our behaviours were always restricted and fixed strictly whenever we misbehave ourselves when wer were small. Time of better discipline, with help. We were taught to be, generous, fairminded, merciful and caring, we were taught to behave well, and maturely. Decent and reasonable.
I look back now, no longer do our parents keep buzzing beside our ears, no longer do they smack our heads to knock the logic into our brains hard, because we are now grown. But have we really become mature? This test I provided, says 'no'.
Some are being careless in thoughts
Some are being merciless, uncaring
Some are being ignorant
Some, shallow, short tempered.
This is far from the 'depth' I seek, my friends, far from the decency I seek, if you care.
Of course, If you ask me do I really harbour such hatred toward you people, am I upset over something that I have to make everybody upset as well? Do I like causing trouble and drama to arouse attention?
Negative to all.
I like and love you people. I trust most of you and harbour favors the same. I dislike conflict, it hurts me to know that I upset some of you too, as if I have upset myself. It wouldn't benefit me from any ways directly in pain.
However, it hurts me more to just see something not right happens and passes by.
And now here we are again, another 'misunderstanding'. I started a war and I intend to face it, with all of you. Perhaps this is why I have to put all my destructive thoughts into this prank just to get some people hurt and satisfy myself.
I did not mind to be condemned, though not willingly (no generous person would really care anyway. Those with EQ high enough would only think I am being mo liu and shrug the matter off their shoulders). I am just honestly showing you another fragment of my soul. Like it or not, it is your choice. But know one thing, this is at most a prank, not something vile.
Take it as a chance of reflection, it is the various weaknesses or mistakes you have shown to yourself by this opportunity that somewhat made the world imperfect.
It had created unhappiness, misunderstandings and rage. Bolstered our sense of 'self', less of 'others'.
And it has created the same thing this time.
It will create the same in the future as well, if we do not become more careful with ourselves, and maintain a control.
Perhaps pointing out issues too sharply is not the best way to everyone for the sake of sharing and/or convincing. (That I do not doubt)
But while you are questioning is this how I treat friends? Shouldn't friends be nicer to each others? Know one thing, consider this as a gift from me, a gift from a friend. I am being nice too, jut this time, not in laughters anymore.
To those who are innocent in this, take this as a warning from an overworried person. Though I am pretty sure this long paragraph's shadow would fade from your impression in matter of days. But I hope you will remember this in time, when one day you accidentally hurt something you cherished, or the innocence, for the same weakness shown this time.
Peace
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Dear Diary #11
Dear Diary,
I am suppoed to be reading books now to write my essay.
However my mind is at else where, to be more precise, an unknown area few blocks away.
Whenever someoneone mentions of maths before me now, it no longer reminds me of the terror and bad experience I had, no longer the fear. The old fear is now replaced with a feeling of intimacy.
Perhaps I can even start liking maths again because of 'her'.
I am suppoed to be reading books now to write my essay.
However my mind is at else where, to be more precise, an unknown area few blocks away.
Whenever someoneone mentions of maths before me now, it no longer reminds me of the terror and bad experience I had, no longer the fear. The old fear is now replaced with a feeling of intimacy.
Perhaps I can even start liking maths again because of 'her'.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Dear Diary #10
Dear Diary,
A lonely day it is today.
Double festival with nothing better to do.
First time talking to parents on phone this year.
Knew it wasn't a good idea. Makes me miss them and increases my loneliness.
Messy messy...
A lonely day it is today.
Double festival with nothing better to do.
First time talking to parents on phone this year.
Knew it wasn't a good idea. Makes me miss them and increases my loneliness.
Messy messy...
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Dear Diary #9
Dear Diary,
I am wondering, have I become more childish recently?
The quiet me few years ago were so much more sophisticated in my memory. Much more talented, gifted with insight and a rational critical thinking ability. Full of hope...
but i did not have the chance to develop myself, because of being mentally weak.
Don't think I have become much stronger now, still trying to run away from all kinds of troubles despite the many promise I made to myself...
What do you think, Shadow?... I can't quite see the path for me to become the man I want to be now, as if I am blind in darkness.
I want to catch up with my evil dear friend and 'her'.
If in doubt... what should I do?
I am wondering, have I become more childish recently?
The quiet me few years ago were so much more sophisticated in my memory. Much more talented, gifted with insight and a rational critical thinking ability. Full of hope...
but i did not have the chance to develop myself, because of being mentally weak.
Don't think I have become much stronger now, still trying to run away from all kinds of troubles despite the many promise I made to myself...
What do you think, Shadow?... I can't quite see the path for me to become the man I want to be now, as if I am blind in darkness.
I want to catch up with my evil dear friend and 'her'.
If in doubt... what should I do?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Dear Diary #8
Dear Diary
And so I am, now sitting in the school's most quiet library. A lovely Saturday it is, bright sun, chilling wind, fresh air.
I return to school today intially to help a friend of mine out to check if the dictionary she wants is still in the office. 15 minutes walk and 5 minutes to settle myself and report my findings, the task is finished. I then remained thoughtless sitting in the office for a few minutes.
I told my friend I will go somewhere else, but in fact I am not going anywhere. Partly pherpas I had forseen that coming, I brought my backpack (with all the books i need to read) and computer with me, so that I will at least have something to do even nowhere to go.
Why not going back to my own room then? A fair question.
I don't really like staying inside. Maybe it's because of the heater, or maybe it's because my heart is not willing to be caged inside that room... though well, I know it is not willing to be caged in the school either. To me, anywhere is fine as long as I have my computer and a bed.
At first, I wanted to visit my friends, give them a call or meet them for tea or lunch. But that was just a thought, random thought. I turned my back to them and asked them to leave me alone few days ago, and how could I just return to them and because I feel like to? Moreover, they probably don't have the time anyway.
And so I am, now in the library, trying to study, but not in mood at all.
It's lonliness, I know. Since when had I become so addicted to this feeling? I used to be so stand alone that I can almost take up the whole world all by myself.
I still can, but no longer the same focused and determined.
The serenade I just discovered last night matches perfectly with quiet sky outside, I've been sitting here listening to the same melody for over 30 minutes... in fact, I have also been listening to it the whole morning. Its tune seems to have the ability to fill the holes in my heart.
I wonder how's everyone been today. Somewhere on earth, people are still living in the same living hell. Somewhere on earth, people are crying in tears. Somewhere on earth, there are people like me staring outside of the windows while listening to music.
I wonder how's 'she' doing in this nice Saturday.
... but after all I am a political science students, perhaps there are more I shoud care of, such as my upcoming termpapers.
Serenade Of Nirvana: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=622dMv8Pbng
And so I am, now sitting in the school's most quiet library. A lovely Saturday it is, bright sun, chilling wind, fresh air.
I return to school today intially to help a friend of mine out to check if the dictionary she wants is still in the office. 15 minutes walk and 5 minutes to settle myself and report my findings, the task is finished. I then remained thoughtless sitting in the office for a few minutes.
I told my friend I will go somewhere else, but in fact I am not going anywhere. Partly pherpas I had forseen that coming, I brought my backpack (with all the books i need to read) and computer with me, so that I will at least have something to do even nowhere to go.
Why not going back to my own room then? A fair question.
I don't really like staying inside. Maybe it's because of the heater, or maybe it's because my heart is not willing to be caged inside that room... though well, I know it is not willing to be caged in the school either. To me, anywhere is fine as long as I have my computer and a bed.
At first, I wanted to visit my friends, give them a call or meet them for tea or lunch. But that was just a thought, random thought. I turned my back to them and asked them to leave me alone few days ago, and how could I just return to them and because I feel like to? Moreover, they probably don't have the time anyway.
And so I am, now in the library, trying to study, but not in mood at all.
It's lonliness, I know. Since when had I become so addicted to this feeling? I used to be so stand alone that I can almost take up the whole world all by myself.
I still can, but no longer the same focused and determined.
The serenade I just discovered last night matches perfectly with quiet sky outside, I've been sitting here listening to the same melody for over 30 minutes... in fact, I have also been listening to it the whole morning. Its tune seems to have the ability to fill the holes in my heart.
I wonder how's everyone been today. Somewhere on earth, people are still living in the same living hell. Somewhere on earth, people are crying in tears. Somewhere on earth, there are people like me staring outside of the windows while listening to music.
I wonder how's 'she' doing in this nice Saturday.
... but after all I am a political science students, perhaps there are more I shoud care of, such as my upcoming termpapers.
Serenade Of Nirvana: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=622dMv8Pbng
Thursday, February 4, 2010
What becomes of a human
Purer as a being, but lesser as a human.
My feeling of being less and less of a human comes from my dejection, lonliness and my rejection to myself.
A normal human interacts with others and by interference the others, they make themselves the center of some certain spheres and make themselves whole in the process.
I lack the knowledge, the skill, the willingness and the targets of doing so.
So I am incomplete.
There has to be some accomplishment in life, through that, I may make myself feeling more like a whole.
MY life is already better than many who suffers, i should be thankful.
What I don't understand is, why am I living. Why do I have to encounter all this.
My parents never gave me satisfying answers.
My feeling of being less and less of a human comes from my dejection, lonliness and my rejection to myself.
A normal human interacts with others and by interference the others, they make themselves the center of some certain spheres and make themselves whole in the process.
I lack the knowledge, the skill, the willingness and the targets of doing so.
So I am incomplete.
There has to be some accomplishment in life, through that, I may make myself feeling more like a whole.
MY life is already better than many who suffers, i should be thankful.
What I don't understand is, why am I living. Why do I have to encounter all this.
My parents never gave me satisfying answers.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Dear Diary #7
Dear Diary,
I am so tired. Something is draining my energy mentally, but I have no way to identify its source and true figure.
I think I am already the person who knows myself the best, but sometimes, I still fail to identify my thoughts and my feelings.
Thoughtless I am, but my emotions are still running, and not in a good way, that I know.
What will I become of?
I am so tired. Something is draining my energy mentally, but I have no way to identify its source and true figure.
I think I am already the person who knows myself the best, but sometimes, I still fail to identify my thoughts and my feelings.
Thoughtless I am, but my emotions are still running, and not in a good way, that I know.
What will I become of?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Dear Diary #6
Dear Diary
Even leaving marks of redempt in the library redemption won't wip my sorrow away today.
Why do I have to born to be a human?
I never understand, if god is all so powerful, can He not create a world immune from all harm?
If He creates us, can He not make us close to perfect?
I...
I....I.....
I.....
I hate everything, uttermost, myself.
Even leaving marks of redempt in the library redemption won't wip my sorrow away today.
Why do I have to born to be a human?
I never understand, if god is all so powerful, can He not create a world immune from all harm?
If He creates us, can He not make us close to perfect?
I...
I....I.....
I.....
I hate everything, uttermost, myself.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Crazy imaginations on my way home
Just returned from grocery shopping
So, I was trying to picture how will my life be if I end up being able to settle myself well.
When I am thirty something, assume that I am still alive.
I will prob be living alone, if my finance is capable, I will adopt a child, or 2.
It should be fun to see them grow and teach them stuff. Until they grow rebellious.
Probably a boy to adopt, simply because I don't know how to deal with girls.
A boy and a girl if adopting 2.
Languages, skills, knowledge, even maths and science -_- ha
But come to think of it, sicne i like being alone so much, will that still make me a good guardian or something?
Meh~~~~
So, I was trying to picture how will my life be if I end up being able to settle myself well.
When I am thirty something, assume that I am still alive.
I will prob be living alone, if my finance is capable, I will adopt a child, or 2.
It should be fun to see them grow and teach them stuff. Until they grow rebellious.
Probably a boy to adopt, simply because I don't know how to deal with girls.
A boy and a girl if adopting 2.
Languages, skills, knowledge, even maths and science -_- ha
But come to think of it, sicne i like being alone so much, will that still make me a good guardian or something?
Meh~~~~
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Dear Diary #5
Dear Diary,
Just now, a friend tried to convince me not to do stupidity and ruin my future friendship for 1 short-sighted act. She asked, why do I not wait?
According to her logic, she has been friend with ‘her’ for 5 years and she now knows abt 90% of her. If I intend to develop my relationship with ‘her’ to a further level, patience is required. She warned me that if I do anything stupid now, there will only be end in our relationship.
I shared my feelings and worries with her, and explained my idea. Though she may not speak very considering, but at least I think she understands my situation. For the first time, I hear so many about ‘her’ from the others. I… indeed know that I will fight a battle of absolute defeat in March if I am to do what I wanted to, but I only do that because I find no other ways possible for me to get closer to her.
… Every time I want to give up, the memory of anxiousness occurs inside me when ‘she’ is close by reminds me of that torturing feeling. I want it to end.
I begin to wonder, perhaps I can only see her walking further and further away from me. Maybe if I proceed as my friend suggests, one day I will gain a place in ‘her’ heart, of trust. But surely a nice girl like ‘her’ will not lack pursuers… time is not with me, I wish I could meet her few years earlier.
A good life for her, isn’t that what I wanted? Why must I indulge myself in sorrow then? I really am better of a machine than human.
Just now, a friend tried to convince me not to do stupidity and ruin my future friendship for 1 short-sighted act. She asked, why do I not wait?
According to her logic, she has been friend with ‘her’ for 5 years and she now knows abt 90% of her. If I intend to develop my relationship with ‘her’ to a further level, patience is required. She warned me that if I do anything stupid now, there will only be end in our relationship.
I shared my feelings and worries with her, and explained my idea. Though she may not speak very considering, but at least I think she understands my situation. For the first time, I hear so many about ‘her’ from the others. I… indeed know that I will fight a battle of absolute defeat in March if I am to do what I wanted to, but I only do that because I find no other ways possible for me to get closer to her.
… Every time I want to give up, the memory of anxiousness occurs inside me when ‘she’ is close by reminds me of that torturing feeling. I want it to end.
I begin to wonder, perhaps I can only see her walking further and further away from me. Maybe if I proceed as my friend suggests, one day I will gain a place in ‘her’ heart, of trust. But surely a nice girl like ‘her’ will not lack pursuers… time is not with me, I wish I could meet her few years earlier.
A good life for her, isn’t that what I wanted? Why must I indulge myself in sorrow then? I really am better of a machine than human.
Dear Diary #4
Dear Diary,
I am very anxious atm. I should be studying right now but I can't help to mark down my feelings of this moment.
Anxious is a familiar emotion and feeling to me recently. It always knock the windows of my heart for different reasons...
Anxious... it is because I am thinking of the girl again. I am now certain of my feeling to her, I am certain of what I will do in the future and when will I do it, but why am I still feeling anxious then?
I afraid of thinking of her, as if i have done something wrong and I run away to avoid facing my shame.
Perhaps it is because I know I am going to do something that would affect her future. Whether it will be good or bad, I do not know... but I fear it'd be bad for her.
Future is full of uncertainty to me, the responsibility weights heavier when I have to make decisions that will afect others as well.
I am very anxious atm. I should be studying right now but I can't help to mark down my feelings of this moment.
Anxious is a familiar emotion and feeling to me recently. It always knock the windows of my heart for different reasons...
Anxious... it is because I am thinking of the girl again. I am now certain of my feeling to her, I am certain of what I will do in the future and when will I do it, but why am I still feeling anxious then?
I afraid of thinking of her, as if i have done something wrong and I run away to avoid facing my shame.
Perhaps it is because I know I am going to do something that would affect her future. Whether it will be good or bad, I do not know... but I fear it'd be bad for her.
Future is full of uncertainty to me, the responsibility weights heavier when I have to make decisions that will afect others as well.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Dear Diart #3
Dear Diary,
Though I said yesterday that ‘now is not the time’, however, my will, awareness and attention, focus on this matter is increasing by time, stronger and stronger. Every second pass by seem to distant me from “her” more. I cannot help keep thinking rushing to her… But I must be patient; I must not lose myself to my instinct. It is because I do not want to ‘own’ her but to get closer to her. And that has to be done slowly step by step.
Though I said yesterday that ‘now is not the time’, however, my will, awareness and attention, focus on this matter is increasing by time, stronger and stronger. Every second pass by seem to distant me from “her” more. I cannot help keep thinking rushing to her… But I must be patient; I must not lose myself to my instinct. It is because I do not want to ‘own’ her but to get closer to her. And that has to be done slowly step by step.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Dear Diart #2
Dear Diary,
Today I shared my feelings with two different friends.
To my first friend, I told her I might confess to "her" if i was studying in schulich. It is because, that promises the ability to sustain the safetiness and survivability that a family needs.
To my second friend, I told her what message I want "her" to know... words from my heart. I felt much relifed afterward. A weight in my heart was removed, as if I had solved a trouble.
Though my love to her need not to be spoken, for this is not how love is expressed, but surely for my part, I wish she'd respond to my feelings.
Though I am no knight, and she is no princess, but I would still love to vow before her and promise her my loyality.
...
When would be the proper time though, that's something I can't answer.
Just now, she came to the office - Somewhere I always stay not only because I can randomly persuade random people to join - that's the story I tell everyone else, the true story is, I stay there because that's the only place I know I might be able to see her once a while. She only drops by to leave a book on the table for a friend.
Nothing much happened, really. I should have asked more of her I think. Now I am regretting.
One thing for sure though is that: now is not the time. There will be a right time for me to tell her my feelings one day I hope. But before that, I must work hard to make sure I am qualified to do so.
Now is not the time... then when? I really don't know, fate will tell, I hope.
Today I shared my feelings with two different friends.
To my first friend, I told her I might confess to "her" if i was studying in schulich. It is because, that promises the ability to sustain the safetiness and survivability that a family needs.
To my second friend, I told her what message I want "her" to know... words from my heart. I felt much relifed afterward. A weight in my heart was removed, as if I had solved a trouble.
Though my love to her need not to be spoken, for this is not how love is expressed, but surely for my part, I wish she'd respond to my feelings.
Though I am no knight, and she is no princess, but I would still love to vow before her and promise her my loyality.
...
When would be the proper time though, that's something I can't answer.
Just now, she came to the office - Somewhere I always stay not only because I can randomly persuade random people to join - that's the story I tell everyone else, the true story is, I stay there because that's the only place I know I might be able to see her once a while. She only drops by to leave a book on the table for a friend.
Nothing much happened, really. I should have asked more of her I think. Now I am regretting.
One thing for sure though is that: now is not the time. There will be a right time for me to tell her my feelings one day I hope. But before that, I must work hard to make sure I am qualified to do so.
Now is not the time... then when? I really don't know, fate will tell, I hope.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Dear Diary #1
Dear Diary,
Though I am not looking at her and I don't always walk close to her.
But my heart undoubtedly always fly to her immediatley whenever her pressence is in the perimeter.
It is such a nice feeling, but such a great hollow at the same time.
Though I am not looking at her and I don't always walk close to her.
But my heart undoubtedly always fly to her immediatley whenever her pressence is in the perimeter.
It is such a nice feeling, but such a great hollow at the same time.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Proust Questionnaire
1.你認為最完美的快樂是怎樣的？
拥有自己想要的技术
2.你最希望擁有哪種才華？
思考能力。
3.你最恐懼的是什麼？
伤害。
4.你目前的心境怎樣？
虚无 (Nihil).
5.還在世的人中你最欽佩的是誰？
The one most responsible, witful and talented。
6.你認為自己最偉大的成就是什麼？
努力成为man of honour。
7.你自己的哪個特點讓你最覺得痛恨？
无能, 各方面, 特别是低专注力。
8.你最喜歡的旅行是哪一次？
My trip to China with church.
9.你最痛恨別人的什麼特點？
一切恶意。
10.你最珍惜的財產是什麼？
美好的回忆。
11.你最奢侈的是什麼？
爱。
12.你認為程度最淺的痛苦是什麼？
浅薄的挫败。
13.你認為哪種美德是被過高的評估的？
誠實。
14.你最喜歡的職業是什麼？
教师/导师。
15.你對自己的外表哪一點不滿意？
Facial skin。
16.你本身最顯著的特點是什麼？
Self-isolation。
17.還在世的人中你最輕視的是誰？
不负责任的人。
18.你最喜歡男性身上的什麼品質？
聰明，有主見。
19.你使用過的最多的單詞或者是詞語是什麼？
good luck。
20.你最喜歡女性身上的什麼品質？
聰明, 温柔, 坚强。
21.你最傷痛的事是什麼？
Past memories。
22.你最看重朋友的什麼特點？
信任, 人格。
23.你這一生中最愛的人或東西是什麼？
没有。
24.你希望以什麼樣的方式死去？
不知不覺的離去 or A heroic death。
25.何時是你生命中最快樂的時刻？
童年。
26. 如果有下輩子你希望成為甚麼(人或物)?
半神。
27.如果你能選擇的話，你希望讓什麼重現？
真相。
28.你的座右銘是什麼？
斬邪
拥有自己想要的技术
2.你最希望擁有哪種才華？
思考能力。
3.你最恐懼的是什麼？
伤害。
4.你目前的心境怎樣？
虚无 (Nihil).
5.還在世的人中你最欽佩的是誰？
The one most responsible, witful and talented。
6.你認為自己最偉大的成就是什麼？
努力成为man of honour。
7.你自己的哪個特點讓你最覺得痛恨？
无能, 各方面, 特别是低专注力。
8.你最喜歡的旅行是哪一次？
My trip to China with church.
9.你最痛恨別人的什麼特點？
一切恶意。
10.你最珍惜的財產是什麼？
美好的回忆。
11.你最奢侈的是什麼？
爱。
12.你認為程度最淺的痛苦是什麼？
浅薄的挫败。
13.你認為哪種美德是被過高的評估的？
誠實。
14.你最喜歡的職業是什麼？
教师/导师。
15.你對自己的外表哪一點不滿意？
Facial skin。
16.你本身最顯著的特點是什麼？
Self-isolation。
17.還在世的人中你最輕視的是誰？
不负责任的人。
18.你最喜歡男性身上的什麼品質？
聰明，有主見。
19.你使用過的最多的單詞或者是詞語是什麼？
good luck。
20.你最喜歡女性身上的什麼品質？
聰明, 温柔, 坚强。
21.你最傷痛的事是什麼？
Past memories。
22.你最看重朋友的什麼特點？
信任, 人格。
23.你這一生中最愛的人或東西是什麼？
没有。
24.你希望以什麼樣的方式死去？
不知不覺的離去 or A heroic death。
25.何時是你生命中最快樂的時刻？
童年。
26. 如果有下輩子你希望成為甚麼(人或物)?
半神。
27.如果你能選擇的話，你希望讓什麼重現？
真相。
28.你的座右銘是什麼？
斬邪
Hands
Sometimes I like staring at my hands, left arm or right arm.
I somewhat have an idea that my hands represent a part of me, the spiritual side, such as my character.
They are thin, weak.
The skin is dry, not pretty.
Skin colour is pale, but a little white.
However, sometimes when I hold my left writs with my right hand and tell myself "Look at your hands, they are so fragile", I notice that my hands actually seems to be much larger than I thought.
And when you turn it to the other side, you see the soft, pretty palm meat, white and partially untainted like a new born baby.
I still stare at my hands occasionally, hoping its strength and grasps someday will accomplish something great.
I somewhat have an idea that my hands represent a part of me, the spiritual side, such as my character.
They are thin, weak.
The skin is dry, not pretty.
Skin colour is pale, but a little white.
However, sometimes when I hold my left writs with my right hand and tell myself "Look at your hands, they are so fragile", I notice that my hands actually seems to be much larger than I thought.
And when you turn it to the other side, you see the soft, pretty palm meat, white and partially untainted like a new born baby.
I still stare at my hands occasionally, hoping its strength and grasps someday will accomplish something great.
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