Dear Diary #5

Dear Diary,

Just now, a friend tried to convince me not to do stupidity and ruin my future friendship for 1 short-sighted act. She asked, why do I not wait?

According to her logic, she has been friend with ‘her’ for 5 years and she now knows abt 90% of her. If I intend to develop my relationship with ‘her’ to a further level, patience is required. She warned me that if I do anything stupid now, there will only be end in our relationship.

I shared my feelings and worries with her, and explained my idea. Though she may not speak very considering, but at least I think she understands my situation. For the first time, I hear so many about ‘her’ from the others. I… indeed know that I will fight a battle of absolute defeat in March if I am to do what I wanted to, but I only do that because I find no other ways possible for me to get closer to her.

… Every time I want to give up, the memory of anxiousness occurs inside me when ‘she’ is close by reminds me of that torturing feeling. I want it to end.

I begin to wonder, perhaps I can only see her walking further and further away from me. Maybe if I proceed as my friend suggests, one day I will gain a place in ‘her’ heart, of trust. But surely a nice girl like ‘her’ will not lack pursuers… time is not with me, I wish I could meet her few years earlier.

A good life for her, isn’t that what I wanted? Why must I indulge myself in sorrow then? I really am better of a machine than human.