Dear Diary,
I am supposed to be already at school, studying. So many things standing in my way today; news, casual blogs, newly updated computer game walkthroughs...
Damn! time is never enough.
I wonder in this day, which I was experiencing boredom a few mins ago, how is she spending her day...
I suppose living with family is not as boring as living alone, normally speaking... then? how will she live her day today?
I can only wonder, that's one thing, I still have my duty to fulfill.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Dear Diary #12
Dear Diary,
I was thinking about a question this afternoon, about what I want
I have drawn a conclusion at the end of my thinking that, my nature is either gone, or very close to grinded off.
When I was small, I wouldn't think;
"laughter does not fit me"
"i am selfish"
"I love being alone"
the cause that had lead me to thinking this was a conflict within myself. I noticed that those are what I want now, but at the same time, I hate to become a person like that.
So my soul and my body do not match now? ... I don't know, don't ask me.
Time seems to pass away so quickly today, I need more time to study
I was thinking about a question this afternoon, about what I want
I have drawn a conclusion at the end of my thinking that, my nature is either gone, or very close to grinded off.
When I was small, I wouldn't think;
"laughter does not fit me"
"i am selfish"
"I love being alone"
the cause that had lead me to thinking this was a conflict within myself. I noticed that those are what I want now, but at the same time, I hate to become a person like that.
So my soul and my body do not match now? ... I don't know, don't ask me.
Time seems to pass away so quickly today, I need more time to study
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Battlereport
1st thing 1st, always keep in mind you are facing pepole, not angels. If they were saintly good before, it wouldn't need you to do anything, they'd fix themselves. Plan accordingly.
2nd, stay true to self.
2nd, stay true to self.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
This had happened before
Rethink of what I had done.
It happened before too, twice.
The first time, I was trying to launch a tide of discipline in my FPS game guild. To train a better team, discipline is the first thing to govern, that's my logic.
What I had done was pretty simple: as a council member of the guild, I started a rule without counseling other council members to ban foul language usage within the guild.
In the long and tiring debate followed afterward, I bashed everyone for how their sloth and indiscipline caused them the matches. They on the other hand accused me for overreacting and being zealous.
Prohibiting a certain kind of language may seem harsh, but I thought it was a healthy way to train discipline within the members. It is the same logic to cut chatter during a military operation. Since the members themselves did not possess any strong bond of teamwork between each others, I figured the most effective way to compensate for that was to turn them into obedience gears.
The resistance was heavy and the rule was eventually overruled without the support of other council members.
A perfect demonstration of democracy, something we should cherish - though the match team afterward remained the same weak.
Individually speaking, their skills and sense were good. Failed as a team though due to perhaps their personal pride and style.
The second time, I used the same method of creating a scar to leave memories marked in a person's head.
The matter was also quite simple. I was in another guild of another game with a bunch of friends. All were good until 1 of the friends who was also an admin of the channel started abusing his admin power on me, figure it would be fun to kick me out of the chat channel and see me join back, to kick me again.
After protesting for a time, weeks later when he repeat the same thing again, I asked the guildmaster to remove my title as a member before the eyes of everyone.
My evil friend asked me not to do that because the message I want to deliver and the message others perceive will not be the same, and I will only be perceived as narrowminded.
I showed acknowledgement to her but persisted in doing so. The effect was permanent
Now that out of my expectation, I have done it again... I do not doubt that the outcome may repeat itself and chance of having things running in the way I like is slim - but that I do not care.
Let the others think in the way they want. I believe I am right, it's all for the greater good. I want to see changes, so somebody has to do something, otherwise justice will be lost. The weight of such burden, I will carry it.
I won't enjoy it, but this I see as a practice, an ordeal I must go through.
I never lost hope in people, I love them, but I hate them at the same time.
It happened before too, twice.
The first time, I was trying to launch a tide of discipline in my FPS game guild. To train a better team, discipline is the first thing to govern, that's my logic.
What I had done was pretty simple: as a council member of the guild, I started a rule without counseling other council members to ban foul language usage within the guild.
In the long and tiring debate followed afterward, I bashed everyone for how their sloth and indiscipline caused them the matches. They on the other hand accused me for overreacting and being zealous.
Prohibiting a certain kind of language may seem harsh, but I thought it was a healthy way to train discipline within the members. It is the same logic to cut chatter during a military operation. Since the members themselves did not possess any strong bond of teamwork between each others, I figured the most effective way to compensate for that was to turn them into obedience gears.
The resistance was heavy and the rule was eventually overruled without the support of other council members.
A perfect demonstration of democracy, something we should cherish - though the match team afterward remained the same weak.
Individually speaking, their skills and sense were good. Failed as a team though due to perhaps their personal pride and style.
The second time, I used the same method of creating a scar to leave memories marked in a person's head.
The matter was also quite simple. I was in another guild of another game with a bunch of friends. All were good until 1 of the friends who was also an admin of the channel started abusing his admin power on me, figure it would be fun to kick me out of the chat channel and see me join back, to kick me again.
After protesting for a time, weeks later when he repeat the same thing again, I asked the guildmaster to remove my title as a member before the eyes of everyone.
My evil friend asked me not to do that because the message I want to deliver and the message others perceive will not be the same, and I will only be perceived as narrowminded.
I showed acknowledgement to her but persisted in doing so. The effect was permanent
Now that out of my expectation, I have done it again... I do not doubt that the outcome may repeat itself and chance of having things running in the way I like is slim - but that I do not care.
Let the others think in the way they want. I believe I am right, it's all for the greater good. I want to see changes, so somebody has to do something, otherwise justice will be lost. The weight of such burden, I will carry it.
I won't enjoy it, but this I see as a practice, an ordeal I must go through.
I never lost hope in people, I love them, but I hate them at the same time.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
A joke going too far?
Anxiousness is now stirring up in my heart.
That leads me to reconsider of my behaviour, was it wrong?
Or, What had I done to draw people's anger, so easily?
So, what I had done was simple. I set a scheme, and people fell into it for either being innocent or deliberately want to see things happen.
My role in the plot is to play the role of a victim and beg for the mercy of the others. Pity me, spare me from trouble that I told them I was not willing to take. And when the drama was over, I showed up and told the world that they had actually all been fooled by me - what they wanted to see, would not happen. It was because there was no way of achieving it, and it had all been planned all along. Their actions, predicted, and I laughed at them.
To be more precise, they were not fooled nor insulted by me, but by themselves. I merely provided the oppturnity, and they took it.
While I dig myself a grave, they at the same time do the same.
Some of them are pissed upon realizing that...
It was all (sadistic) fun and joy to me.
Why did I have to do that though? I didn't have to do something like that, on second thought, on third thought... no, that was not necessary. And I knew very well, someone is not going to like it, especially when I speak for myself loud in such a scornful tone.
It is an act of vengeance. Act, of retaliation.
I avenge for what, or for who?
I do that for all the poor souls suffered under characteristics of such kind. Suffered from all the selfish, shallow and uncaring minds...
I will not hide my intention of drawing them shame - not that I am being evil; perhaps I am - but to be honest, they would only feel the shame if they were not innocent. Those who showed me mercy did not draw themselves disgrace. And to those who are fairminded, in my term, with depth, would either take it as just a more evil prank, or said nothing for knowing their mistakes.
Some people are boiled over, perhaps for reasons that I did not expect. I would take the blame. But before that, they'd better make sure they weren't wrong themselves.
xxxxxx
Something I have always been thinking is that: are we now, adults, university students, really so different from little kids we once were? In terms of our mental minds.
Our behaviours were always restricted and fixed strictly whenever we misbehave ourselves when wer were small. Time of better discipline, with help. We were taught to be, generous, fairminded, merciful and caring, we were taught to behave well, and maturely. Decent and reasonable.
I look back now, no longer do our parents keep buzzing beside our ears, no longer do they smack our heads to knock the logic into our brains hard, because we are now grown. But have we really become mature? This test I provided, says 'no'.
Some are being careless in thoughts
Some are being merciless, uncaring
Some are being ignorant
Some, shallow, short tempered.
This is far from the 'depth' I seek, my friends, far from the decency I seek, if you care.
Of course, If you ask me do I really harbour such hatred toward you people, am I upset over something that I have to make everybody upset as well? Do I like causing trouble and drama to arouse attention?
Negative to all.
I like and love you people. I trust most of you and harbour favors the same. I dislike conflict, it hurts me to know that I upset some of you too, as if I have upset myself. It wouldn't benefit me from any ways directly in pain.
However, it hurts me more to just see something not right happens and passes by.
And now here we are again, another 'misunderstanding'. I started a war and I intend to face it, with all of you. Perhaps this is why I have to put all my destructive thoughts into this prank just to get some people hurt and satisfy myself.
I did not mind to be condemned, though not willingly (no generous person would really care anyway. Those with EQ high enough would only think I am being mo liu and shrug the matter off their shoulders). I am just honestly showing you another fragment of my soul. Like it or not, it is your choice. But know one thing, this is at most a prank, not something vile.
Take it as a chance of reflection, it is the various weaknesses or mistakes you have shown to yourself by this opportunity that somewhat made the world imperfect.
It had created unhappiness, misunderstandings and rage. Bolstered our sense of 'self', less of 'others'.
And it has created the same thing this time.
It will create the same in the future as well, if we do not become more careful with ourselves, and maintain a control.
Perhaps pointing out issues too sharply is not the best way to everyone for the sake of sharing and/or convincing. (That I do not doubt)
But while you are questioning is this how I treat friends? Shouldn't friends be nicer to each others? Know one thing, consider this as a gift from me, a gift from a friend. I am being nice too, jut this time, not in laughters anymore.
To those who are innocent in this, take this as a warning from an overworried person. Though I am pretty sure this long paragraph's shadow would fade from your impression in matter of days. But I hope you will remember this in time, when one day you accidentally hurt something you cherished, or the innocence, for the same weakness shown this time.
Peace
That leads me to reconsider of my behaviour, was it wrong?
Or, What had I done to draw people's anger, so easily?
So, what I had done was simple. I set a scheme, and people fell into it for either being innocent or deliberately want to see things happen.
My role in the plot is to play the role of a victim and beg for the mercy of the others. Pity me, spare me from trouble that I told them I was not willing to take. And when the drama was over, I showed up and told the world that they had actually all been fooled by me - what they wanted to see, would not happen. It was because there was no way of achieving it, and it had all been planned all along. Their actions, predicted, and I laughed at them.
To be more precise, they were not fooled nor insulted by me, but by themselves. I merely provided the oppturnity, and they took it.
While I dig myself a grave, they at the same time do the same.
Some of them are pissed upon realizing that...
It was all (sadistic) fun and joy to me.
Why did I have to do that though? I didn't have to do something like that, on second thought, on third thought... no, that was not necessary. And I knew very well, someone is not going to like it, especially when I speak for myself loud in such a scornful tone.
It is an act of vengeance. Act, of retaliation.
I avenge for what, or for who?
I do that for all the poor souls suffered under characteristics of such kind. Suffered from all the selfish, shallow and uncaring minds...
I will not hide my intention of drawing them shame - not that I am being evil; perhaps I am - but to be honest, they would only feel the shame if they were not innocent. Those who showed me mercy did not draw themselves disgrace. And to those who are fairminded, in my term, with depth, would either take it as just a more evil prank, or said nothing for knowing their mistakes.
Some people are boiled over, perhaps for reasons that I did not expect. I would take the blame. But before that, they'd better make sure they weren't wrong themselves.
xxxxxx
Something I have always been thinking is that: are we now, adults, university students, really so different from little kids we once were? In terms of our mental minds.
Our behaviours were always restricted and fixed strictly whenever we misbehave ourselves when wer were small. Time of better discipline, with help. We were taught to be, generous, fairminded, merciful and caring, we were taught to behave well, and maturely. Decent and reasonable.
I look back now, no longer do our parents keep buzzing beside our ears, no longer do they smack our heads to knock the logic into our brains hard, because we are now grown. But have we really become mature? This test I provided, says 'no'.
Some are being careless in thoughts
Some are being merciless, uncaring
Some are being ignorant
Some, shallow, short tempered.
This is far from the 'depth' I seek, my friends, far from the decency I seek, if you care.
Of course, If you ask me do I really harbour such hatred toward you people, am I upset over something that I have to make everybody upset as well? Do I like causing trouble and drama to arouse attention?
Negative to all.
I like and love you people. I trust most of you and harbour favors the same. I dislike conflict, it hurts me to know that I upset some of you too, as if I have upset myself. It wouldn't benefit me from any ways directly in pain.
However, it hurts me more to just see something not right happens and passes by.
And now here we are again, another 'misunderstanding'. I started a war and I intend to face it, with all of you. Perhaps this is why I have to put all my destructive thoughts into this prank just to get some people hurt and satisfy myself.
I did not mind to be condemned, though not willingly (no generous person would really care anyway. Those with EQ high enough would only think I am being mo liu and shrug the matter off their shoulders). I am just honestly showing you another fragment of my soul. Like it or not, it is your choice. But know one thing, this is at most a prank, not something vile.
Take it as a chance of reflection, it is the various weaknesses or mistakes you have shown to yourself by this opportunity that somewhat made the world imperfect.
It had created unhappiness, misunderstandings and rage. Bolstered our sense of 'self', less of 'others'.
And it has created the same thing this time.
It will create the same in the future as well, if we do not become more careful with ourselves, and maintain a control.
Perhaps pointing out issues too sharply is not the best way to everyone for the sake of sharing and/or convincing. (That I do not doubt)
But while you are questioning is this how I treat friends? Shouldn't friends be nicer to each others? Know one thing, consider this as a gift from me, a gift from a friend. I am being nice too, jut this time, not in laughters anymore.
To those who are innocent in this, take this as a warning from an overworried person. Though I am pretty sure this long paragraph's shadow would fade from your impression in matter of days. But I hope you will remember this in time, when one day you accidentally hurt something you cherished, or the innocence, for the same weakness shown this time.
Peace
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Dear Diary #11
Dear Diary,
I am suppoed to be reading books now to write my essay.
However my mind is at else where, to be more precise, an unknown area few blocks away.
Whenever someoneone mentions of maths before me now, it no longer reminds me of the terror and bad experience I had, no longer the fear. The old fear is now replaced with a feeling of intimacy.
Perhaps I can even start liking maths again because of 'her'.
I am suppoed to be reading books now to write my essay.
However my mind is at else where, to be more precise, an unknown area few blocks away.
Whenever someoneone mentions of maths before me now, it no longer reminds me of the terror and bad experience I had, no longer the fear. The old fear is now replaced with a feeling of intimacy.
Perhaps I can even start liking maths again because of 'her'.
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